Growing Pains {My Faith Journey}

Growing up in a Christian home where Bible stories were read regularly, prayer was a typical part of our meal time and night time routine, and church was a regular part of the week, I am truly blessed to be able to say that I cannot remember a day of my whole life that I did not know Jesus as my Savior. I was about seven years old when I actually chose to get baptized and commit my life to Christ, but even before that, I have always known Jesus, even if it wasn’t in an “intellectual” sort of way. I am grateful to my family for this; for the legacy of faith which they passed down to me such that I have never lived a day of my life without the peace of Christ. 

This makes for not such an exciting testimony of salvation, but of course, as I have grown up and matured, as I have inevitably faced life’s challenges that come with the growing responsibility that time and age brings, I have learned to rely on God in different ways.  Much like teenagers experience growing pains, my story is about the “growing pains” I have experienced through my faith journey.

The majority of my life growing up was spent in a pool. I think I was seven when I started swimming competitively and over the next seven years the sport completely took over my life. In many ways swimming was an excellent thing for me; it kept me healthy, being good at something gave me lots of self-confidence, and my busy training schedule taught me discipline and kept me out of the kind of trouble kids get into when they are bored. On the other hand, swimming became an idol for me.  I had a singular focus in life, and it had nothing to do with God.  By the time I was in high school my life revolved around my sport.  I had practice before school, I went to school, I did my homework in the car on the way to afternoon training, I ate my dinner in the car on the way home from training, and I went to bed. With that much time and energy devoted to swimming it is easy to see how I began to identify myself by my athletic success. And you can imagine how crushing a career-ending injury was to a fourteen year old whose whole world revolved around being an elite athlete. I questioned God, why did He let this happen to me?

While taking a break from training after having shoulder surgery, I had to find something else to do with my time. I played some other sports, but mostly finally made friends with some people from school that I previously hadn’t had the time for. These friendships were wonderful for me, as having fun, loyal, and supportive friends always is wonderful. However, this little taste of popularity caused me to place more and more importance on being liked and being popular such that now instead of swimming, my social status was the most important thing to me. I always had someone with me, I always had a “boyfriend,” and always kept myself socially busy. By the time my parents announced we were moving to another state just before my Junior year of high school I was devastated because I was in such a comfortable social situation in the school where I was.  I didn’t want to leave my best friends and I didn’t want to have to start over building popularity somewhere else.  Looking back, I can see this as another attempt by God at refocusing my attention.

When I arrived at my new school I quickly made a good friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, but I was definitely a “small fish in a big pond” and never really gained any sort of popularity. I did eventually find my place as part of our church’s youth group and in my female small group through that youth group.  God really used this time in my life when I had fewer distractions from athletics and social status to guide me towards whom He intended for me to become.  My faith was becoming my own as I transitioned from believing the truths told to me by my parents and church leaders, to spending more time studying God’s Word and really discovering biblical truth for myself.  For the first time in my life I felt God really leading me. 

As it approached time for making a college decision, I felt God guiding me towards student ministry which put a new spin on college searches since a ministry major would require a Christian college, something my parents were not too keen on given the lack of educational rigor stereotypically associated with “Bible college.” I clearly felt God’s leading though, and through a series of events including not getting into other colleges I really should have based on my grades and extracurriculars, we settled on an educationally respectable Christian liberal-arts university that had my desired major. This represented a major step in my spiritual journey; when I chose to follow God’s leading as opposed to God allowing injury or relocation to refocus my attention.

After college, I married into the military and ended up pursuing a teaching degree, which led to a more portable career than student ministry.  I felt like I had found my calling as a secondary math teacher. I loved working with students and seemed to have an aptitude for teaching and classroom management. As a first year teacher my students outperformed every veteran teacher in the department, a fact I was very proud of.  I loved feeling good at my job and like I was making a difference in the world. Again, I found my identity in my career success rather than in my position as a child of God.

Then we got pregnant and my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home with our son for at least two years.  Becoming a mother sent me into serious identity crisis mode.  I went from a job I loved and was good at to being a stay-at-home-mom. I didn’t feel like what I did on a day-to-day basis was very significant and I didn’t feel like I did it well and there really was no way to quantify success. Through many heart-to-hearts with my husband and with a wonderful group of Christian girl friends I learned that my real problem is that I have always used worldly status to identify myself {athletics, popularity, career}. As a stay-at-home-mom I didn’t have much worldly status and this led me to find my identity as a child of God, living for His glory, not my own.

I was further humbled during my second pregnancy when we moved to Singapore temporarily.  It was a difficult pregnancy beginning with what we assume was the miscarriage of a twin followed by lots of bleeding into our second trimester.  Combine that stress with the usual pregnancy nausea and vomiting, unfamiliar food in a foreign country, severe insomnia lasting 6 months, a toddler just discovering his independence, and being half a world away from our support system of friends and family, and it made for a very miserable me! There was no way I could be a decent wife and mother operating on as little sleep as I was getting {about an hour per night} with constant nausea and frequent vomiting. Until then, there had never been a time in my life when I could not do something if I just put my mind to it.  At that time, I could not.  I was so far beyond my capabilities and every day I prayed for just enough energy to take care of my son and keep it together for my husband’s sake. God provided.  Life didn’t get any easier for months, and still, every day God provided just enough love… patience… energy… to make it through.  The experience of living beyond myself and relying fully on God was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not trade the intimacy with God and spiritual growth I experienced for anything. I now have a greater appreciation and trust for God equipping and empowering me supernaturally for whatever He calls me to in life. At this time, it is being a wife and a mother. Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but I know that whatever it is, He will give me just what I need to be successful for His glory.

As I now reflect on the growing pains I have experienced throughout my faith journey, I realize that there is a singular theme, one simple, and yet profound, truth, which I have had to learn over and over again in my stubbornness, and that is that my identity and my purpose are found in Christ. So often I am tempted to identify myself by my successes.  So often I am tempted to think I can do it all on my own. But when I look back at the story of my faith journey I can see that my identity and significance lie in doing what He calls me to do, with the power that He provides, for His glory. Let me not forget it!

What Our Christmas Card Should Have Said {Bless the Lord O My Soul}

Photo credit: KC Knoop Photography

This year has probably been our most challenging yet. We dealt with miscarriage, parenting a toddler, a complicated pregnancy, moving overseas, depression, two months apart, a child undergoing surgery, preterm labor followed by two weeks with a premie in the NICU, and a major, still unresolved bout of pneumonia that almost resulted in spending Christmas in the hospital recovering from urgent open-chest surgery.  So it has been a little rough here and there! However, despite the challenges we have been immeasurably blessed to see God's hand at work through every single situation. And the challenges have spurred growth in us unlike any other time in our lives.

As this year comes to a close, I have been reflecting on all that I have learned throughout this year and wanted to share a few of those lessons. {The links above and included throughout in orange are other blog posts from throughout the year that go into greater detail}

Lesson 1: Show Grace
This year, with all it's challenges has taught me to show grace.  I have needed lots of grace this year particularly from my husband who had to put up with me when I was not a very happy camper as a sick, pregnant insomniac living overseas where I hated just about everything. My husband never let on to how insufferable I was and instead showed endless support, love and sympathy when what I deserved was a swift kick in the tush and a "get over it." I can't tell you how much this makes me appreciate my husband! I knew I was being insufferable and felt like I couldn't help it. Had he given me what I deserved I would have felt defeated, but because he showed grace, he motivated and empowered me to get through a difficult season in my life. Experiencing the power of grace to lovingly change me into a better person has taught me how important it is for me to offer that same loving grace to others, God knows we all need it!

Lesson 2: Practice Humility
I am one of those women who likes to think she can "do it all" and this year I learned that I most certainly cannot. I don't like needing help or having to ask for help, but this year I had to. As it turns out, admitting that I need help and gratefully accepting help can actually build relationships. Vulnerability can be difficult, but it creates some of the strongest bonds.  I have been blessed by a wonderful husband and friends that have been so loving and gracious and have gone out of their way to help me when I've needed it.  I feel so much freedom in knowing that I don't have to always having it all together and be able to do it all myself.

Lesson 3: Remember Joy is Not Circumstantial
God is good. All the time.  He has been with me through every situation good and bad and I have found joy in His presence regardless of what I have gone through.

Lesson 4: The Power of Prayer
This year I have learned a lot about prayer and now treasure the intimate communication with God. I have learned that prayer is less about what I am asking for and more about how God is going to use those things which are near to my heart to teach me and those I love. In the quiet moments when I am open and vulnerable before Him, when I am actually listening, not just talking, He ministers to my heart giving me peace regardless of the outcome and teaching me to have a perspective and attitude more like Him.

Lesson 5: Parenting is a Huge Responsibility and a Huge Privilege
Parenting a toddler for the first time this year really drove these lessons home. I have been on the verge of pulling my hair out at times but the experience of parenting a toddler has taught me so much about myself and challenged me in ways I never thought possible. As Q has become more independent and verbal we have seen the fruit of our parenting labor which sometimes makes us proud and is very often convicting. While I have learned that he is his own person and thus, I cannot {and should not try to} control him, it is a huge responsibility being his greatest role model and seeing the ways in which he mimics me. It is such a privilege to be allowed to raise these precious children whom, though God loves  more than I ever could {unfathomable}, He still allows an imperfect me to parent them and experience all the joy that comes with that.

Lesson 6: Life is Not All About Comfort
As this year draws to a close I am constantly reminded of the many blessings in my life, especially in contrast to the challenges we've been through this year. I am blessed by a gracious and loving husband, the health of myself and my family, financial security that allows me to be a stay-at-home-mom as well as enjoy many comforts in life. Yet, it has been the challenges this year that have pushed me to grow which has me contemplating whether we are really meant to be so comfortable? My inkling is no... We'll see how that plays out in 2013...

The sun comes up, its a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul, Worship His holy name

Sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your holy name

~Matt Redman "10,000 Reasons"

Home is where the heart is?

Today, spending our great American holiday, the 4th of July, overseas with my husband and child has me thinking of "home" and how that is such a difficult concept for me to define.  I'm an American, and being overseas for the past few months has made me appreciate and long for my home country. But where exactly is "home?" Is it even a physical location?

Happy 4th of July from Singapore!

My little grill master with his oven mit

Being goofy with our oven mits

We have a "home" in California where all our earthly possessions reside, the things we find important enough to lug around the globe on our many many military moves.  There is certainly something comfortable and "homey" about being surrounded by familiar things with years of memories hidden in them... the first piece of furniture we bought when we got married that now has a hole in the cushion from one of our dogs burrowing in it, the pie plate I use to make my husband's family's apple pie that is his favorite, my favorite serving dish that was a wedding gift from good friends bought in a place near and dear to all our collective hearts, our surfboards sitting in the garage that bring a smile to my face every time I see them remembering the good times we've spent with good friends surfing the beaches of Oahu, the house where we brought our first born home from the hospital, etc.

Despite having a home in California, we often refer to Maryland as "home" because that is where we met and fell in love and where our families and our best friends, our children's godparents, still live. We both grew up on the East coast and just don't feel quite at home when it is 85 and sunny on Christmas day (when we lived in Hawaii) or when it is 65 and foggy the entire summer (where we currently have a home in Cali). There is something about the familiar memories of our childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood... of unbearably hot summers spent at the pool or the beach getting 5 shades darker in the sun, crisp, beautiful fall evenings at football games in a sweater with a hot apple cider, cold, snowy Christmases and President's Day ski trips, and the hint of warmth and life in the spring sparking spring fever just in time for spring break... that strike a chord in both of us as "the way things should be."

Right now, having my family together is "home," even if our location is literally on the other side of the world from all that is familiar and comfortable to us.  The luxury of being together is not something we take for granted as a military family.  When Sam is deployed, I never feel quite at home until I am back in his arms again.

As the saying goes, "home is where the heart is" and in that case, my "home" and my heart are spread far and wide. There are pieces of my heart in California, Maryland, many of the other places we have lived, wherever my closest friends currently live, and mostly wherever my husband and children happen to be.

As of yesterday I will be returning to California from Singapore (where Sam will be staying to finish his Master's program) next week. We decided to move my return flight up because of pregnancy concerns.  As I've mentioned before, I have a bicornuate uterus that poses a greater risk of pre-term labor (Quinn was a premie). My doctor in Singapore doesn't see any reason to worry as of yet because everything looks healthy and I did carry Quinn till 36 weeks which means my uterus can handle at least that much. But she has begun frequent checks of my cervix to monitor for shortening which would mean that I could not fly the 20 hours back to the US and would be stuck in Singapore for the duration of this pregnancy and any hospital time the baby may require until baby and I are healthy enough to return. We decided that it was not worth the risk of me having to stay here potentially 2 months (or more) after Sam has to return to California, and delivering here alone, just for us to have a few more weeks together.  So we are optimistic that nothing will happen, but we are playing it safe by me and Quinn heading back to the US next week.

The thought of returning to California is bittersweet to me.  I do not love it here in Singapore and will be very glad to get out of Southeast Asia.  I can't wait to see my family and friends in the US again and get back to our normal routine. On the other hand, I am very sad to be leaving half my heart in Singapore. A two month separation doesn't seem like much for us, as we are use to being apart for about 75% of the year (with very little communication). And after all, what is a Fromille pregnancy without a move, some overseas travel, multiple OB's, and a significant separation?!? (yea... we like to keep things as complicated as possible :-P) But this will be Quinn's first significant separation from his dad.  We purposely planned to have our children during Sam's shore tour to avoid this scenario at least for a couple of years... but this will just be a good trial run for when Sam really does have to go back on deployment and at least we can still skype with him this time!

Quinn getting "giraffe kisses" while reading "Kisses for Daddy" before bed

Quinn will really miss his special time with his dad while we are on different sides of the world

I guess my concept of "home" will continue to be unclear for at least a little while longer as I head "home" without the most important aspect of "home," my husband.

Sentosa Island

Yesterday we spent the day on Sentosa Island which is pretty much a grown up version of Disneyland in Singapore. I can't believe it has taken me so long to get out there!  I guess I thought it would be more difficult to get to but it was just a 20 minute bus ride and then a 5 minute tram ride to get on the island from our apartment. It was a beautiful sunny day to be outside and I loved being out of the city where the air didn't have that distinctive city stink and there wasn't incessant traffic and construction noise. It felt like we weren't in Singapore at all actually because we didn't pass a single restaurant with whole dead chickens or fish hanging from hooks and noxious Singaporean food smells wafting out! What a nice little break!  I now understand why several friends who have visited their husbands on port calls in Singapore and stayed on Sentosa assured me I would love Singapore... because they spent most of their time in grown up "Disneyland" (which is exactly what I would recommend for any of you planning to visit in the future...).

As usual, our day revolved around activities chosen to suit our toddlers tastes and thus, the day began with a visit to The Port of Lost Wonder which is a pirate ship themed water play area.  Quinn loves to play in the water and loves fountains, but this was a little much for him.  Pretty much everywhere in the play area had some sort of water raining down on it.  He likes to splash and play in the water as much as anyone, but isn't a fan of having water raining down on his head unexpectedly.  I think in another 6 months he would probably love it.  After checking things out for awhile he settled for playing ball in a shady spot of grass off to the side- typical!

After the water park we walked over to Resort World for lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe. On our walk over we passed the Merlion statue, which apparently is a Singapore icon, though I'm not really sure why. Quinn loved lunch at Hard Rock!  He gobbled up his mac n cheese and his yummy peach smoothie and was rocking out in his high chair the whole time to the music.

After lunch, Quinn passed out in his stroller while hubby and I proceeded to get lost trying to navigate our way to Underwater World, our next stop. If there is one thing to dislike about Sentosa it would definitely be the lack of signage and the layout that is not at all conducive to walking between attractions.  They do have a nice tram system, but with a baby sleeping in the stroller, we couldn't very well break down the stroller and hop on a tram. So instead we probably walked 2+ miles up and down steep hills in the midday sun to get somewhere maybe 1/2 mile away.  Q woke up from his nap just as we approached our destination and was bright eyed and bushy tailed so we let him play ball while we caught our breath and rested our legs.

Q's favorite thing of the day was definitely Underwater World where he got to see all the "fissss." Underwater World was really neat.  The major attraction is the massively long tunnel you go through and there are all kinds of fish and sharks and stingrays swimming around you and overhead.  Q just loooved it! I would have loved it a little more if it weren't so packed with people that you could barely move!  And naturally, since we are in Asia, among the most camera-happy people in the world, every display had at least one group of people standing in front of it not even looking at the fish, but waiting for someone else to take 523 pictures of them while they were blocking everyone else's view. Fortunately going through the tunnel you stood on a conveyor belt which kept people from stopping to block everyone else's view:-) 

They also had a dolphin and sea lion show that we went to. Q didn't care so much about the dolphins unless they were playing with balls (of course) but he liked the sea lions (so did I) and he really got into clapping along with the crowd at appropriate times. It was so unbelievably hot at the dolphin lagoon that we were all ready to get back home to a cool bath and the AC after that was over! 

All-in-all, we had a very fun day and were all in bed before 9pm.  There is so much to do on Sentosa (much of which isn't really appropriate for a 1 year old) that I would like to go back sometime without Q- we'll see if that ever happens! 

Progress Report {Proverbs 31}

"This is the day which the Lord has made;

Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

~Psalms 118:24

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

~Philippians 4:13

A few weeks ago I shared a confession about myself since we moved to Singapore. I spent my first couple of months here borderline depressed and wallowing in my own self-pity and misery.  It was definitely the worst two months of my life. At the end of my confession I committed to strive towards becoming more like the Proverbs 31 woman, an excellent wife whose "worth is far above jewels" (Proverbs 31:10). I wanted to offer a "progress report" today as a testament of what God has been doing in my life through the power of His Word. My circumstances have not changed, and yet, I have changed.  Not by my own will, but by the power of God working in me.  (I know this because I had already attempted ~several times~ to change by my own will and failed.)

Previously when I thought of Proverbs 31, a chapter of the Bible in which a son recalls his mothers guidance for selecting a good wife, it seemed idealistic, unrealistic, and kind of disheartening because it is basically a seemingly unattainable list of all the things a good wife does and just reading the list is exhausting! I expected God to use the study of this passage, that I am following along with on goodmorninggirls.org and participating in with a group of friends, to challenge and convict me (which He has).  What I did not expect was to be encouraged and empowered, which has been a life-altering experience.

I can see now, that God allowed me to go through that difficult time in my life, during which I was powerless to snap myself out of it, or to be the kind of wife and mother God calls me to be, so that He could show me His love and power in a way I have never experienced before. My heart longed to honor God with my life, but my sleep-deprived, nauseated body and weak emotions and mind gave in to lethargy and self-pity. But God honored the longing in my heart by bringing me words of encouragement and empowerment. 

I have been encouraged by the words of Proverbs 31 because, though they are challenging, they put extreme importance on the tasks of homemaking. The mother in this passage does not tell her son to find a wife with a good job who can keep herself busy doing impressive things outside the home (which seems to be what the world these days finds important). Instead, she tells her son to find a wife who can organize a home, who can prepare healthy meals, keep the house in order, shop wisely, and invest her time and efforts keeping her home and family as her priority.  It makes these tasks seem more significant and important than I, as a SAHM, have allowed myself to think of them.  It makes me feel like I am not wasting my potential by staying home and taking care of what is most precious to me, my family. (For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with working outside the home, and I know many moms who work outside the home for the purpose of serving their #1 priority- their family.) 

Feeling the importance of what I do as a SAHM helped to motivate me to put in a load of laundry even when I had only slept an hour the night before and felt like my butt was permanently glued to the couch.  It has helped motivate me to make the most out of my measly kitchen and find dishes that are possible to make at home with the supplies we have, as opposed to eating out every meal. And they have encouraged me to see my family as a gift, not as a burden (as mothering had started to feel like). I now realize that my highest calling is to serve God by serving my family, not by doing impressive things outside the home.  

By doing at least one thing each day that I could be proud of (laundry, cooking dinner, taking Quinn to do something exciting for him), as inspired by my new found motivation through God's Word, my depression began to lift. I spent my time focusing on how I am blessed and how I can in turn bless my family, instead of cataloging all the reasons why I was miserable.  That change of perspective made a big difference in my mood.

Verses like Psalm 118:24 (above) and Philippians 4:13 (above) that I have known since childhood had new meaning and bring tears to my eyes as I read them now.  I went through a period when I did not rejoice for each day, but could not wait for it to end.  I could do nothing because I literally had no strength.  And now I have experienced how each day is worth rejoicing in, because regardless of my circumstances, today is one more day that I can serve the Lord with my life, no matter how insignificant that service may seem, it is good in His sight and brings purpose to my life.  And I now know that when I have no strength, when I ask Him, He will faithfully provide me with the strength to do what I need to do.

I am still very much looking forward to getting back to my home and my friends and family in the US. I am looking forward to meeting our little girl and saying goodbye to pregnancy symptoms. But most of my days now are filled with appreciation for this time I get to spend with Quinn before another little one arrives and with searching for little ways I can honor God by serving my family. 

Thank you to the many of you who have been praying for me regarding my difficulty living in Singapore and for the difficulties this pregnancy has brought. God may not be answering our prayers in the way we expect, but He is certainly making lemonade out of lemons in my life :-)

Confession

I have been moping around for almost two months now. When we first arrived in Singapore I had hope that I would settle in and begin to enjoy it or at least be able to tolerate it without being miserable. As time wore on I started to blame my state of discontent on the combination of pregnancy and Singapore. I expected things to improve after my first trimester. They didn’t. Now the pregnancy is much less stressful, I am less sick, and yet, I am still mopping and miserable. My mantra has been, “just get through this day and you will be one day closer to going home.” Basically, all that the moping and time spent dwelling on how miserable I am has accomplished, is pinpointing why I hate Singapore and what I will avoid at all costs in future relocation choices.  Maybe that is a valuable lesson, but something tells me it is not a lesson worth four months of moping and whining and complaining and making, not only myself, but also my husband, miserable.

I have tried to snap myself out of it.  I have tried to just “have a good attitude” and that will make things better. But unlike my usual highly adaptive self, none of my techniques for forcing myself to be happy, or at least pleasant to be around, have worked. It is frustrating and I had pretty much given up and resigned myself to being miserable for the next two months until I can get the heck out of Singapore!

I recently started a new Good Morning Girls Bible study. Of all things, the topic is Proverbs 31. Just what I wanted to study… how to be the perfect woman. Yay, that won’t be at all depressing considering I am currently failing almost every standard I have ever set for myself as a wife. I don’t clean (we have a housekeeper), I don’t cook (we get per diem $ to eat out and our “kitchen” is poorly equipped), I rarely do laundry, I never iron, most days I wear gym clothes all day even though I haven’t even been allowed by my OB to work out until last week, and I frequently whine and complain about my how miserable I am here. I decided to do the study anyway and just give myself the excuse that I can start applying it when I am no longer pregnant (which conveniently is also when I will no longer be living in Singapore).

Today I spent some time catching up on the GMG blog that accompanies the study and God has really spoken to me through these other women’s words (in addition to His own words in the Bible) that the time is now to be a godly woman, not later when I am no longer pregnant or no longer living in a place that I find unpleasant. Sure, there is grace for the days in which my pregnancy induced insomnia and sickness will require me to take it easy and that’s okay. But my attitude should not be that of writing off being a good wife until this difficulty passes. My purpose when I wake up in the morning should not be, “just get through this day so I will be one day closer to going home.”

So first, I want to apologize to my husband, who has been incredibly understanding and patient with me through the past two months.  I am sorry for not being the wife you deserve, the wife God calls me to be. And secondly, I want to declare my intention of striving everyday towards the example of the Proverbs 31 woman, an excellent wife whose “worth is far above jewels” (Proverbs 31:10).  I know it will take discipline and sacrifice and time, but I am tired of focusing on my own misery, it is time to focus on honoring God with my life each and everyday.

iwannagohome

iwannagohome is the name of a store here in Singapore that is in just about every mall we go past and I hate it. Because that is exactly how I feel and it is just a reminder to me that this place is literally as far away from home as I could possibly get without leaving the planet.

Singapore is a beautiful country with so much to offer.  Just this past week we visited the zoo (best zoo I have ever been to), the botanical gardens (gorgeous), and the National Museum of Singapore and we have barely scratched the surface on the list of things-to-do here.  People are nice, the city is clean and relatively easy to get around, everyone speaks English, and I feel safe here (as opposed to the panicked, hold-on-to-your-purse feeling I have in most American cities). So why exactly do iwannagohome so badly? I don't really know, I guess it's not rational, but I can't help the way I feel.

I think a lot of it has to do with being pregnant:

I have had terrible insomnia this pregnancy.  As in, I don't sleep more than a couple interrupted hours per night without drugging myself, which I don't like to do considering the baby. But after a few days of virtually no sleep, I really have no choice if I want to be able to function.  Exhaustion definitely isn't helping me to enjoy our new home or embrace new adventures!

Nausea has made eating here a challenge.  I do not do well with Asian food when I am pregnant (learned that the hard way when I was pregnant with Q) and I am not a big fan of not knowing exactly what is in my food and I have no idea what mystery concoctions much of the local food is made of. Sam on the other hand gobbles the stuff up. But every time I decide to try something local, I take maybe two bites and then end up wasting the rest (and eating half of Q's happy meal as dinner instead- yea, healthy...). Unfortunately it is more expensive to buy groceries and cook yourself than it is to eat out, and though you can find many typical American ingredients, many of them do not taste the same at all. So, the majority of my time and energy here goes towards trying to find acceptable meal options and figuring out how to take public transportation to get to them.

Aside from my pregnancy-related issues there are a few other things I am pining for:

I miss my car. Public transportation wouldn't be too bad if you didn't have to lug a stroller, diaper bag, and baby around with you everywhere.  I probably fold and unfold the stroller about a million times a day to carry it up stairs and into cabs/buses/subways. I definitely don't know why anyone would choose to continue living in a city like this with young children!

I miss our washer and dryer.  I am very grateful that we have a washer/dryer in our apartment, but it holds probably 1/3 of what our washer/dryer does at home does and it takes probably 3x longer. This is especially fun considering we use cloth diapers... At home we wash diapers about every 5 days and they all fit in 1 load.  Here I can only do about half of our diapers at one time and they come out dripping wet so they take forever to dry.

I miss my dogs.  I miss B and W so much it literally hurts! There is nothing that I want more when I am not feeling well (which is pretty much everyday) than to cuddle up with my sweet pups.  They can always put a smile on my face.  Q saw a Boston Terrier out in town the other day and though he knew it wasn't B, he threw a screaming tantrum when we carried him away from the dog :-(

Well, this list could go on and on, but I should stop before it sounds like I'm complaining too much (probably too late for that...). Basically, I am trying to have a good attitude, but iwannagohome.

City Life {Getting Around}

We have been living in Singapore a week now and are finally starting to get our bearings. I am by no means an urbanite.  I have lived my whole life in the 'burbs and spent my youth riding around in my mom's minivan and now tote my own family around in our SUV. I have always been intimidated by big cities and in awe of people who confidently stride through subway stations and hail cabs like it ain't no thang. I see our time in Singapore as my shot to finally become cool and learn to navigate the urban jungle like a native {ha!}.

Now that I am completely reliant on public transportation to scout out American-ish food {vital for this pregnant lady}, I have gotten a few lessons in getting around this week.  We spent the first few days hoofing it the old fashioned way, but after seeing pretty much all there is to see in the radius that I am willing to walk in the humidity and threatening thunder storms, it became apparent that I needed to branch out and try some other forms of transportation.

First attempt: subway. Very unfortunately the nearest subway station is about a mile away and includes a pretty steep hill with a sidewalk barely wide enough for Q's umbrella stroller.  After doing that walk once I decided there had to be a better option {even if that option was never leaving our apartment}. The subway itself was easy enough. And there are even reserved seats for pregnant women, people traveling with small children, elderly, or injured and since I met 2 out of the 4 criteria, that is pretty sweet!  {especially when trying to juggle a 1 year old, a diaper bag, and a folded stroller on a packed train} People are extremely courteous and helpful too, which is a plus.

Second attempt: taxi. Being the suburbanite that I am, I have never in my life hailed a taxi.  I had a hard time even thinking of a time when I had even ridden in a taxi. Hubs gave me a lesson last weekend though.  It is a little disconcerting taking a small child in a car without a car seat... but I guess I'll get over it eventually? Anyway, I now feel perfectly capable of getting a cab on my own, which is a good thing because sometimes it is absolutely necessary, like when it is pouring buckets outside {pretty much a daily occurrence at some point}.

Third attempt: hotel shuttle bus. This is probably the most useful resource and it also happens to be free! There are two shuttles that leave our hotel/apartment complex hourly and do a loop to popular shopping areas around downtown. At first I didn't think I would use this service that much because I don't really plan on doing tons of shopping while here {gotta get back to the US in the same 6 suitcases that were packed full on the way here}. However, as it turns out, the major shopping centers are scattered around the city near things I do want to be able to get to like parks, museums, historic sites, restaurants, subway stations, etc. After riding the shuttles a few times now, we are getting a pretty good feel for where things are and which shuttle stops are close to the things we want to get to.

Yesterday was a test of our ability using the public transportation system in which we had to take a shuttle, ride the subway, and take cabs to get where we needed to go. Despite some hiccups {bad directions, a Hindu festival, lots of rain, a clueless cabbie} we made it to our destination and back in one piece. We're learning!

This Crazy Life

I know many of you have been waiting for updates from us and we have been "off the map" a bit lately. The past couple of weeks have been extremely busy and hectic for our family.  We were preparing for a move to the other side of the world while pregnant, then we thought we miscarried {but didn't... more on that later}, then we had to say "see ya later" to our wonderful friends and support system in California, pack everything we need for 6 months into 6 suitcases, and then traveled 25 hours to reach our new "home" here in Singapore. Now we are trying to get settled in despite some serious jet lag. {It's 8am and I've been up with Q for over 3 hours now and this is a significant improvement from yesterday...} So please bear with us as it may take some time for us to settle in and take a few pictures that so many of you are asking for!

Last weekend was very bittersweet for us.  We started out the weekend on Thursday by having Thanksgiving {complete with roast turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce} with our small group.  Our church small group is mostly composed of military couples and it has become a sort of tradition to send people off with a Thanksgiving meal.  A special way to show our thanks for the wonderful friendships God has blessed us with. We lingered a long time that evening, none of us wanting to say goodbye yet.

Friday some good friends of ours had us over for dinner and planned the entire evening as a Maryland theme {where we are from} as a farewell dinner. The menu consisted of crab dip and crab cakes and a special cake that I'd never had before that was the official "state cake" of Maryland. {eight delicious layers that must have taken forever to construct!} The table arrangement consisted of black eyed susan's which are Maryland's state flower and was complete with a sign showing how many miles to MD and how many miles to Singapore. We felt so loved and so special that they went through all the effort to plan such a fantastic evening for us.

Sunday I had my usual Pho date with the girls which I will dearly miss! And we went on one last American date {to see The Hunger Games and dinner at a favorite local restaurant} while our good friends kept Q and then we spent the rest of the evening hanging out with our friends around their fireplace.

Monday I was jittery all day because I was nervous about the long travel day ahead with Q. Some other friends were so kind as to take us out to dinner at a very "American" place and helped to get our minds off the "impending doom" while enjoying some good food and great company. We are so blessed by our wonderful friends in CA! We miss you all already!

Tuesday we got up bright and early, Sam picked up the rental car, we loaded up our luggage and drove 2 hours up to San Francisco. Upon checking into the airline Q and I were traveling on they informed us we couldn't bring his rear facing car seat on the plane because they only allow forward facing seats {this information was not on their website} so I knew I was in for a day and night of little to no sleep at that point. Since I was not flying with Sam {Navy bought his tickets but not ours} I was so fortunate that my friend C, whose husband is doing the same exchange program as Sam, was willing to fly with me to help out with Q. She was such a help!  It was a very long day.  Q was such a trooper but with no car seat or crib and so many distractions he found it difficult to sleep. I thought to myself many times during our 18 hours of flying, "This is so not worth it, I regret this decision to do this..." but once we arrived I immediately changed my mind.

Singapore is beautiful!  Even at 1:30am driving down the highway from the airport to our new apartment, it was gorgeous.  Even the highways are lined with beautiful tropical trees arcing over the roads and the city is so modern and clean. Our apartment building is amazing {which I guess it should be since the Navy is paying an obscene amount for us to live here}. I can't decide what my favorite part is... maid service everyday {I don't have to wash dishes for 6 months if I don't want to!}, free hot breakfast every morning in the lobby, or the central location such that we can walk to restaurants, shops, public transportation, etc. I have also been pleasantly surprised at the availability of "American" food and products. We were told that things like cheese and many convenience items would not be readily available, but we haven't had trouble finding them. {although groceries in general are ridiculously expensive, as in, makes groceries in Hawaii look cheap, which they are not}

We haven't gotten out and about exploring too much just yet.  We've moved in and are trying to get over our jet lag and have walked around the area immediately surrounding our apartment, but haven't ventured too far.  We plan to change that this weekend :-) Stay tuned for more updates and hopefully pictures soon!