My beautiful daughter Madelaine (pronounced Mad-uh-lane) "Lanie" Kate was born unexpectedly early yesterday morning. She was only 35 weeks gestation which comes with and all-too-familiar stay in the NICU to help her mature before we can take her home. As labor began I kept thinking to myself (and repeating over and over again to my husband), "No, this can't really be happening, it is too early. I can't go through this again with another child." After having my almost 2 year old son at 36.5 weeks gestation and enduring an emotionally draining 12 days in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), I wasn't sure I wanted to have more children and potentially put them through the same difficult start to life. My OB convinced me that though I have a bicornuate uterus, which likely caused my sons early arrival, that second children didn't usually present the same problem. And so, here we are again, with another, even earlier, premie. But my husband and I have decided that our children't lives are worth it- they are worth the stress and heartache of an early start. And I believe if you asked my healthy, happy almost 2 year old if he would rather not exist and have such a healthy, happy nearly 2 years to avoid the difficult he experienced during his 1st two weeks, I think he would tell you the initial difficulty was worth it.
This time about I am so happy to have the perspective I now have due to going through a similar experience when my son was born. I was a wreck then- I couldn't look at him hooked up to wires and tubes without crying. He would start to get better and we would feel like we were making progress towards taking him home and then he would digress sending me spiraling into an emotional black hole.
This time I know better than to have expectations. I also know that just because she digresses a little doesn't mean she'll never leave the NICU. My goal this time is not to will her to get better so that we can go home, it's to stay here and be a mom and support and comfort her in any way that I can while she takes whatever time she needs to mature.
Time time around I am not distraught, I am not an emotional train wreck, I don't feel like I have to or need to control the situation (thank you Q for teaching me that controlling your children really isn't possible anyway). Instead I am full of joy at having a beautiful new daughter and I am counting my blessings rather than focusing on those things out of my control.
I am so grateful for the following blessings:
- That God choose to trust us with Madelaine's precious little life
- That she is mature and healthy enough that we know she will be okay with a little time
- That I am able to stay with her indefinitely while she gets better due to the help of my mom who is taking care of Q and our pups
- That we are able to board at the hospital where she is in the NICU so we can spend maximum time with her without the commute and so I can still have a place to rest and recover from labor and delivery just down the hall from baby girl
- The wonderful, helpful staff at both hospitals where we have been
- That pumping and milk production seems to be on the right track for breastfeeding (this helps to make me feel like I am actually doing something to help her)
- The leadership and emotional support of my husband
- The prayers and support of our family and friends
Today has been a good day for Miss Lanie Kate. She is off her blood pressure medicine, off the ventilator, and down to "room air" through her pressurized nose tubes. I'm thrilled that she is doing better but expect her condition to yo-yo a bit and am determined not to lose it if/when she gets worse again.
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