"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord"
~Jeremiah 29:11-14
Last week I had a miscarriage. It was early in my pregnancy but far enough along that I have been feeling the lovely full effects of hosting a new little life in my body. When we found out we were pregnant a few weeks ago we were happily surprised because it happened immediately and aligned with all our own plans. But God apparently has other plans. And part of His plan was calling our little baby home to be with Him now before we ever got to meet him or her.
When I realized what was happening I was surprisingly calm and had an inexplicable peace. I immediately knew that God had other plans for us. Better plans. As I came to grips with what was happening I felt both peace and sadness. Soon after it happened, I was sitting on the playroom floor with my sweet 1 year old in my lap reading to him and I started tearing up. It helped to have my little one in arms. And it helped to have my wonderful husband come home for lunch that day and just hold me for a few minutes while we both processed.
Both Sam and I have been okay about the miscarriage. I know I didn't do anything to cause it. We know this is God's plan. We are even a little relieved that we won't be moving to the other side of the world and back again while pregnant. We have both been dealing with a little bit of guilt feeling like we should be more upset about it than we are. Instead we have been planning our trip to Australia that we didn't think we were going to get to take due to the pregnancy...
The most difficult part for me now is that I still feel pregnant (thank you hormones...) as in, I am still nauseous and exhausted and have even puked since miscarrying. It's hard enough to go through that stuff when you are pregnant, but at least then you can be comforted by knowing it will be worth it in the end. Now, the end has already come and gone and I'm still sick :-/
A few of you knew about our pregnancy. It wasn't really a secret but we also hadn't made it public. I now understand why they recommend not sharing your pregnancy news till after the 1st trimester. We figured that we are pretty open people and we would be open if we miscarried even if people didn't know we were pregnant (like most of you did not). But I get it now. I felt awkward when telling people we were pregnant and even more awkward telling people we miscarried because no one really knows how to react or what to say and I don't like putting people in uncomfortable positions like that. With that said, don't feel pressure to call us or respond to this in any way! So I guess that is why we should keep it a secret in the future? (which I am sure we won't, because that just isn't us)
We are truly okay. We were sad at first but also hopeful for what God has planned for us. I know that there was a reason for us getting pregnant and I know that there is a reason for God taking the baby early. I am so thankful for the peace and comfort God has given us regarding this. And I am so thankful for all of the wonderful support from our family and friends- thank you!
3 comments:
Hey, Molly! Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I had to have a D&C. It's such a strange wave of emotions. I still have the baby book I started and every time we move, I read through it again. (The joys of constantly packing and unpacking your things-- you come across things stuffed in the back of your closets.) I always felt that God had a plan for us and that somehow this will turn around for His glory. Praying for you guys.
Much love.
So sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear you are both handling it so well. Love you!
-Sarah
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