redefining parenting success

I was a teacher before I was a parent.  It was drilled into my head over years of undergrad, grad school, and of course administrators at work, that if your students fail, you fail as a teacher. This philosophy, more or less, works in the education world. {though it may be why most teachers burn out and find a new line of work within 5 years...} It does motivate teachers to take responsibility for their student's success. And it is so pervasive in the education world that even if you know that in reality there are some kids that you cannot reasonably be expected to reach, you can't help that nagging feeling that their failure, is your failure.

I carried this philosophy over into parenting.  After all, a large part of parenting is teaching our children. And certainly, with only one student, I could find success, right? And the fact is, there are many nights husband and I stare at each other in bewilderment after finally putting our little monster to bed and ask each other, "Have we taught him anything? Why are we expending so much effort when he doesn't seem to do a single thing we ask/show him?" And then I go into teacher mode and lay awake in bed half the night evaluating myself as a parent and thinking of new teaching strategies that might work with him. {and we wonder why I'm struggling with insomnia lately...}

After writing about my motherhood meltdown last week I got so many wonderful encouraging messages from mom's that I respect and admire. Basically everyone with children older than mine said, "I've been there." And my one wise friend, after commiserating with my frustrations, reminded me that we cannot control our kids. {duh!} I'm not sure why I needed to hear her say it {but thanks Aud!} but this reminded me of a little piece of wisdom that I don't remember where I learned it initially but I have claimed it ever since in all of my relationships and frequently share it with friends going through relationship difficulties of any type {friends, family, spouse, coworker, etc}.

The only person whose feelings and behaviors I can control is myself.

This little piece of wisdom has helped me immensely in all of my relationships. When I am upset about something someone else has done or said, I remember this, and instead of focusing on what a jerk they are, I focus on how I want to react and how I want to feel. I have found that this is a much more productive way to approach a situation because it is true that I cannot control others. However, often reacting appropriately and letting go of anger/hurt is so transformative that, in many situations, reacting appropriately does help the other person come around as well. And even if it doesn't, at least I can feel good about how I handled it and move on. 

For some reason it never occurred to me to apply this same philosophy to my relationship with my child. I guess because after carrying him inside my body for 8 months, and nursing him for a year after that, he just seemed like an extension of myself.  And now, "myself" is developing his own little personality and choosing to exercise his own will, which lately contradicts my own!

This week I have tried applying my tried and true philosophy of focusing on my own actions and reactions as a parent, rather than focusing on my child's actions and reactions {which I cannot control}. And you know what? I have been a much happier momma this week!  I can't say that Q's behavior has improved much, though I do think he is happier because mommy is happier. It is freeing to not define my success as a parent by my child's behavior. 

Instead of getting frustrated by trial and error of different parenting philosophies, now I have refocused my energy on becoming a godly woman, wife and mother. I trust that if I seek to follow Jesus and my character more and more mirrors His, then my actions and reactions as a parent will more and more mirror His, and how can that be failure? Furthermore, I do believe that over time, if Q's constant example are parents that act like Jesus regardless of his behavior, then he will learn from that... eventually... :-)

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Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement last week. It is always nice not to feel alone.  I do believe I have the best friends in the whole world and am so privileged to learn from many of you who have gone before me on this journey of motherhood!