Yesterday my heart broke twice. Once, leaving my daughter in the hospital to go home and spend some time with my son. Again, leaving my son at home to return to my daughter in the hospital.
Since we have been in the NICU with Lanie Kate, my husband and I have been feeling a strong sense of deja-vu. It feels like we've traveled back in time to nearly two years ago when our son was in the NICU in an unfamiliar town. Granted the "unfamiliar town" is now only 45 minutes away from home, as opposed to a whole new state an ocean away from our previous home like last time. But it's still hard not to feel like we are just reliving an old experience.
Yesterday we had the pleasure of leaving the hospital for awhile to go home and take Q to a friend's birthday party. My mom came up to hang out with LK while we were gone which was a comfort to us. I haven't been home in over a week and haven't seen my son since he came to the hospital to visit almost a week ago. It was wonderful to spend the day with him and to enjoy the company of good friends celebrating one of our favorite little girl's 1st birthday.
Being home with our sweet, funny, almost 2 year old and spending the day with good friends again felt like going back in time to before our daughter was born. It was so easy to slip back into our old routine of having one child and spending beautiful, sunny, California days with friends. It was easy to forget about our "other life" living in the hospital.
In a way, the time away from the hospital was a much needed break. But come the end of the day and time to travel "back in time" to the hospital, I became increasingly emotional and began to unravel. Tears were silently rolling down my checks as I read bedtime stories to Q after he clung to my neck when Nana told him he needed to tell mommy bye-bye. And those tears didn't stop once we got in the car to head back to the hospital... or after we got back to the NICU to see our daughter... or every time I woke up in the middle of the night to pump... or when I woke up this morning thinking of my son waking up and realizing mommy is gone again.
It is hard to know what to do. Q fully realizes that mommy is gone and while I know he is in great hands and loving his time with Nana, I hate to think of him being let down by my absence and feeling like he can't depend on me to be there for him consistently. LK definitely recognizes mommy and daddy's voices as opposed to others, but there is no way to tell how much of a difference it makes to her whether I am here with her or not. As long as we are in Santa Cruz I am too far away to split time between home and the hospital daily because I don't have a car (Sam needs his car for work and my mom needs my car with Q). So I am caught in the dilemma of trying to decide which of my children needs me the most. And no matter what I do there will be a hefty dose of mommy-guilt making me unsure about my choice.
I am grateful for a chapter I recently read in "Sacred Parenting" on parental guilt. Gary Thomas points out that "God cares so much about you that He's willing to risk letting you raise one, two, three, or even more of his precious children. He knows ahead of time that you're going to make mistakes. He knows at the outset that you won't be the perfect parent- but he is so zealous for your own growth that he is willing to take that risk." (pg. 50) I know that God is using this experience, as He has used so many other parenting experiences, to grow me spiritually. I am grateful for a deeper understanding of God's mercy that He shows when I do mess up as a parent. I trust that mercy will cover me now as I am unable to be a good parent to at least one of my children. I am also grateful to know that God loves my precious children even more than I do (which is barely fathomable) and that He will be with them when I can't be.
2 comments:
I can't imagine what you're going through but my thoughts are with you all. Hopefully this ordeal will be over soon and you will have LK and Q all to your and Sam's self in your own home.
Love you guys! Thank you for the updates so we know you guys are all doing okay.
Molly, never doubt this: you are being an excellent parent to BOTH of your children. I know that being away from Quinn is hard- the 10 days I just spent away from John were really tough- but Quinn knows that you love him, even if you aren't able to kiss him goodnight every night. Lanie Kate needs you more than Quinn does right now- you are where you're supposed to be. I'm so thankful that your wonderful Mom is able to be with Quinn right now- he's in good hands. Take a deep breath, give that gorgeous little girl of yours a kiss, and spend some time telling her about all the fun she's going to have with her big brother when you all go home again.
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