Motherhood, Career, and Walking in Faith

I have often heard it said, and have likely uttered it myself, 

"Motherhood is the highest calling"

for those of us blessed with little ones to raise. 

While I agree that it is an amazing privilege, and for sure, a very high calling, I whole-heartedly believe that glorifying God is every believers highest calling. Many have interpreted the high calling of motherhood to require moms to stay home with their little blessings as long as it is financially possible. And while I think staying home with children is a very noble occupation, I don't necessarily agree with that interpretation.

I like to think of myself as a missional mom. By that, I mean that I strive to purposefully raise my kids on a "mission" to be God-following world-changers. A large part of that mission involves modeling for my children and actually following God's direction in my own life. Obviously, that direction looks different for every mom, but this is the {very abbreviated} story of what it is looking like for me right now.

For the past nearly four years now, following God's direction has kept me at home raising my babies. At times I wanted nothing more than to just go back to work, but I felt a strong conviction that home was where God wanted me during that time. Looking back, that time was so productive and fruitful, not only for my children's development, but also for my own spiritual development and refinement. I treasure those years that I got to spend every hard and every joyful moment with my children and I am already mourning the loss of that time as I approach the next season of life God has clearly set before me.

For the past seven or eight months I have known that God has been preparing me for something. For many of those months I didn't know just what it was, and I didn't imagine it would involve going back to work full time, but I knew it was coming. Only in the past couple of months has He actually revealed me to His plan for me to return to teaching. Before having children I was a high school math teacher and I loved it. After two and a half college degrees I had finally found the job that perfectly meshed with my gifts and passions and I very clearly remember feeling so fulfilled as if I was doing exactly what I was created to do.

I have always intended to return to teaching, I just thought it would probably be once my own kids were also in school. But God planted a seed of curiosity in my heart, as I renewed my expiring teaching license, about the possibility of going back, and I considered it very hesitantly and many times I dismissed it thinking, "there is no rush," but the Spirit would not let me rest when I dismissed it. The only times over the past couple of months that I have had peace, have been when I have allowed myself to hesitantly step forward in faith in the direction of returning to teaching. God has confirmed my steps every step of the way and has opened doors in unbelievable ways. Really, all I have done is step through those open doors in faith.

I don't really understand why this is happening now instead of in a few years when my kids will both be in elementary school, but I trust that God has His own reasons that I may not understand this side of heaven. I have lost sleep repeatedly counting up the pros and cons of going back to work right now, but ultimately, no list of pros and cons makes any difference when it comes to the will of the Lord. I either submit and follow, regardless of the potential sacrifice, or I miss out on the opportunity to see God work through my life and miss out on the opportunity to teach my children what it means to walk in faith.

With all that being said... I am very excited to be going back to my old job, teaching at my old school, and even the very same teaching line! And I am super excited for my children to get to go to an amazing preschool that I know they will love.  It will certainly be a challenge with my husband on his department head sea tour... but our family is always up for a challenge ;)

Words to Live By

"For we are God's masterpiece. 

He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

~Ephesians 2:10 {NLT}

This morning while running on my treadmill I was listening to a Seacoast Church podcast. The message was on dating. Yea, I know... I prefer a treadmill to outside- weird. I listen to message podcasts instead of music while running- odd. I am a married woman listening to a message on dating- huh? Let's just get to the point...

The message was based on Ephesians 2:10 and as I listened I began mentally filing away things I need to remember to tell my kids when they are of dating age. But the longer I listened, the more I realized, this is something I want my kids, myself, and everyone really, to internalize regardless of relationship status or stage of life. These are words to live by. Whether you are a Christian or of some other faith or of no faith at all, I think we can agree that if we all really believed this, that we are all masterpieces, the world would be a better place {and we would be happier}.

The idea that I am a masterpiece and so are you creates self-confidence in me and also a deep respect for the other masterpieces I come across everyday, whether they are pleasing to me or not.  Just because some one else doesn't care for {or even respect} me does not affect my value as a masterpiece. And just because I don't particularly like the style of another masterpiece does not make it any less valuable or less deserving of my respect. There are few lessons I would like my children to learn more than this. There are few lessons I would like the world to learn more than this. If everyone believed this it would virtually wipe out oppression. 

Additionally, this concept is so deeply intertwined with the gospel and the teaching of Jesus. It has become our habit for Q {and LK} and I to read the Bible together during breakfast. This week we have been reading Luke 6-8 and focusing on Luke 6:27-36 where Jesus talks about loving your enemies, specifically focusing on Luke 6:31 which says, "Do to others as you would like them to do to you." Obviously an appropriate verse for a toddler to learn! Jesus repeatedly instructs His followers to love one another, and to do good, even to those who harm you. We are free to follow His instructions in this way because we do not need others to validate us if we believe that we are masterpieces, created specifically for good works. I can love my enemies without their love in return because I don't need their love and acceptance to be whole. Only the Master can complete this masterpiece and He has already accomplished that work through Jesus.

I am whole, 

I am a masterpiece, 

created by the Creator of the universe. 

And so are you.

Let's live like it and teach our kids to live as the masterpieces that they are!

Growing Pains {My Faith Journey}

Growing up in a Christian home where Bible stories were read regularly, prayer was a typical part of our meal time and night time routine, and church was a regular part of the week, I am truly blessed to be able to say that I cannot remember a day of my whole life that I did not know Jesus as my Savior. I was about seven years old when I actually chose to get baptized and commit my life to Christ, but even before that, I have always known Jesus, even if it wasn’t in an “intellectual” sort of way. I am grateful to my family for this; for the legacy of faith which they passed down to me such that I have never lived a day of my life without the peace of Christ. 

This makes for not such an exciting testimony of salvation, but of course, as I have grown up and matured, as I have inevitably faced life’s challenges that come with the growing responsibility that time and age brings, I have learned to rely on God in different ways.  Much like teenagers experience growing pains, my story is about the “growing pains” I have experienced through my faith journey.

The majority of my life growing up was spent in a pool. I think I was seven when I started swimming competitively and over the next seven years the sport completely took over my life. In many ways swimming was an excellent thing for me; it kept me healthy, being good at something gave me lots of self-confidence, and my busy training schedule taught me discipline and kept me out of the kind of trouble kids get into when they are bored. On the other hand, swimming became an idol for me.  I had a singular focus in life, and it had nothing to do with God.  By the time I was in high school my life revolved around my sport.  I had practice before school, I went to school, I did my homework in the car on the way to afternoon training, I ate my dinner in the car on the way home from training, and I went to bed. With that much time and energy devoted to swimming it is easy to see how I began to identify myself by my athletic success. And you can imagine how crushing a career-ending injury was to a fourteen year old whose whole world revolved around being an elite athlete. I questioned God, why did He let this happen to me?

While taking a break from training after having shoulder surgery, I had to find something else to do with my time. I played some other sports, but mostly finally made friends with some people from school that I previously hadn’t had the time for. These friendships were wonderful for me, as having fun, loyal, and supportive friends always is wonderful. However, this little taste of popularity caused me to place more and more importance on being liked and being popular such that now instead of swimming, my social status was the most important thing to me. I always had someone with me, I always had a “boyfriend,” and always kept myself socially busy. By the time my parents announced we were moving to another state just before my Junior year of high school I was devastated because I was in such a comfortable social situation in the school where I was.  I didn’t want to leave my best friends and I didn’t want to have to start over building popularity somewhere else.  Looking back, I can see this as another attempt by God at refocusing my attention.

When I arrived at my new school I quickly made a good friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, but I was definitely a “small fish in a big pond” and never really gained any sort of popularity. I did eventually find my place as part of our church’s youth group and in my female small group through that youth group.  God really used this time in my life when I had fewer distractions from athletics and social status to guide me towards whom He intended for me to become.  My faith was becoming my own as I transitioned from believing the truths told to me by my parents and church leaders, to spending more time studying God’s Word and really discovering biblical truth for myself.  For the first time in my life I felt God really leading me. 

As it approached time for making a college decision, I felt God guiding me towards student ministry which put a new spin on college searches since a ministry major would require a Christian college, something my parents were not too keen on given the lack of educational rigor stereotypically associated with “Bible college.” I clearly felt God’s leading though, and through a series of events including not getting into other colleges I really should have based on my grades and extracurriculars, we settled on an educationally respectable Christian liberal-arts university that had my desired major. This represented a major step in my spiritual journey; when I chose to follow God’s leading as opposed to God allowing injury or relocation to refocus my attention.

After college, I married into the military and ended up pursuing a teaching degree, which led to a more portable career than student ministry.  I felt like I had found my calling as a secondary math teacher. I loved working with students and seemed to have an aptitude for teaching and classroom management. As a first year teacher my students outperformed every veteran teacher in the department, a fact I was very proud of.  I loved feeling good at my job and like I was making a difference in the world. Again, I found my identity in my career success rather than in my position as a child of God.

Then we got pregnant and my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home with our son for at least two years.  Becoming a mother sent me into serious identity crisis mode.  I went from a job I loved and was good at to being a stay-at-home-mom. I didn’t feel like what I did on a day-to-day basis was very significant and I didn’t feel like I did it well and there really was no way to quantify success. Through many heart-to-hearts with my husband and with a wonderful group of Christian girl friends I learned that my real problem is that I have always used worldly status to identify myself {athletics, popularity, career}. As a stay-at-home-mom I didn’t have much worldly status and this led me to find my identity as a child of God, living for His glory, not my own.

I was further humbled during my second pregnancy when we moved to Singapore temporarily.  It was a difficult pregnancy beginning with what we assume was the miscarriage of a twin followed by lots of bleeding into our second trimester.  Combine that stress with the usual pregnancy nausea and vomiting, unfamiliar food in a foreign country, severe insomnia lasting 6 months, a toddler just discovering his independence, and being half a world away from our support system of friends and family, and it made for a very miserable me! There was no way I could be a decent wife and mother operating on as little sleep as I was getting {about an hour per night} with constant nausea and frequent vomiting. Until then, there had never been a time in my life when I could not do something if I just put my mind to it.  At that time, I could not.  I was so far beyond my capabilities and every day I prayed for just enough energy to take care of my son and keep it together for my husband’s sake. God provided.  Life didn’t get any easier for months, and still, every day God provided just enough love… patience… energy… to make it through.  The experience of living beyond myself and relying fully on God was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not trade the intimacy with God and spiritual growth I experienced for anything. I now have a greater appreciation and trust for God equipping and empowering me supernaturally for whatever He calls me to in life. At this time, it is being a wife and a mother. Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but I know that whatever it is, He will give me just what I need to be successful for His glory.

As I now reflect on the growing pains I have experienced throughout my faith journey, I realize that there is a singular theme, one simple, and yet profound, truth, which I have had to learn over and over again in my stubbornness, and that is that my identity and my purpose are found in Christ. So often I am tempted to identify myself by my successes.  So often I am tempted to think I can do it all on my own. But when I look back at the story of my faith journey I can see that my identity and significance lie in doing what He calls me to do, with the power that He provides, for His glory. Let me not forget it!

miserable but rewarding?

“Deciding to have children is like service selecting submarines,

you just know it is going to be miserable, but rewarding”

 -my husband, the submariner

“Miserable but rewarding” has become our parenting mantra since before Q was even born. Well, I don’t know anything about the rewarding part, but it sure is miserable!

Last night we were at dinner at Chili’s and the same night that it takes Chili’s 20 minutes to even take our drink orders and another 45 minutes to produce our chicken strips and salad, Quinn decides that it is a good night for a meltdown. About 10 minutes into a battle of the wills over not letting him have my iced tea or husband’s margarita (instead of his own drink) I was ready to give in based on the embarrassment of having an uncontrollable shrieking child in a restaurant. But I know better than to allow him to win a power struggle. So instead, we spent the next two hours trading off which one of us would walk him out of the restaurant to have a “talk” with him and dodging the annoyed glances of the other customers lucky enough to be seated within earshot of our table. Miserable.

We got home and put the little terror to bed. Husband went straight to bed as well, exhausted from the whole ordeal. I collapsed in a crying heap on the couch reflecting on the “fruits of my labor” (i.e. my child’s persistent misbehavior).

Parenting is by far the hardest job I can imagine, if only because it seems impossible to succeed. We are loving and consistent as parents.  We try to establish consistent boundaries for Quinn to keep him safe and to help him grow into a responsible child.  Within those boundaries he has lots of freedom, but you wouldn’t know it because he is always testing the boundaries and constantly reacting inappropriately when we don’t allow him to cross the boundaries. I am quite confident in his ability to learn and I know for a fact that he knows what the boundaries are, and it is so frustrating that he still continually misbehaves and throws a tantrum when corrected.  It is like absolutely nothing I do makes a difference. And when my job is to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) and nothing I try to teach my child is effective, it makes parenting the least fulfilling and least rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. Every single day I feel like I am failing. Miserable.

It does not help that every other mother I know loves being a mom.  Furthermore, every mother I know either loves being a SAHM or wishes she could stay home with her children. So I basically feel like a terrible person when I admit to myself during my personal meltdown after everyone else went to bed that I hate being a SAHM and somedays I really don't even like being a mother, period.  I of course love my child very much, and I do not regret our decision to have children because I really can’t imagine life without him. But right now, I really don't like being a mother.  It is like banging my head against a brick wall and expecting to be able to break through that wall. Miserable.

In my former life (before kids) I was a high school math teacher.  I loved my job. It was sometimes miserable, but very rewarding.  I chose to teach math because it was objective; right or wrong. Math is predictable. You apply a certain formula and you can expect your result to work out correctly (so basically, pretty much the opposite of parenting where there are no magic formulas). I went to work not so much because I was getting paid, but because I felt like I was doing something important and that my efforts made a difference. I was good at my job and it was fulfilling and rewarding.

I use to feel that way about parenting.  Probably for the first year or so of Quinn’s life I felt like I was putting in the hard work so that once he got a little older and understood a little more, he would be a happy, relatively well-behaved (of course I don’t expect any toddler to be perfectly behaved) child. Then it became apparent that he did understand what we expected of him and he would willfully choose to do something else. At first I took this in stride thinking, “okay, now is when we really need to be consistent with him and he will learn.” Now, months have gone by and he is only getting worse, not better. And I can’t blame him, he is only a toddler, so it must be me that is the failure. Miserable.

And this is why I currently dislike motherhood.  I work hard 24/7. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. But somehow I am still failing my child and myself. I am just not cut out for this.

I am pondering all of this as I fall asleep last night when I feel the first little kicks and punches in my belly of baby #2 (the one conceived before I decided I am not cut out for this). Each little movement in my belly sends a new wave of dread through me.

So tell me dear husband, when does this start to get rewarding? (I actually asked him that a few days ago and do you know what he said? “When he is like, in his 20’s, or something.”  What!?!?)