Investing in Dreams {Stewarding My Health}

What are the top five things that come to mind when you think of what you want to do in life? 

Don't think about it too hard, just the first five that come to mind. 

Mine are:
1. Teach my kids to surf
2. Be an awesome soccer mom
3. Connect with friends over good food and good conversation in our home
4. Always be learning something new myself and passing on my knowledge to others
5. Travel and experience new places and cultures with my husband

The one thing common to all things {and I am willing to bet most of the things on your list too} is basic health and fitness are required and assumed.

Beyond my fun little list of things off-the-top-of-my-head that I want to do in life, I am most passionate about pursuing the purpose for which I was created. While I can surmise pieces of that purpose based on my design and desires and the investments God has made in me over my life, I do not know the fullness of that purpose. But I do want to be prepared spiritually, emotionally, financially, and certainly physically when opportunity arises.

I look at my parent's generation and see how age and poor choices often result in physical ailments for some that limit them from doing the things they want to do in life. Obviously, everyone ages and there is only so much we can do to keep time from taking it's inevitable effect on our bodies, but I do wonder if fitness and proper nutrition over a lifetime might help all of us to continue doing the things we want to do, and the things we were created to do for longer.

To me, fitness and nutrition isn't about looking like a super model {though I wouldn't complain if that were a side-effect}, but it is about stewardship of the precious gift of my health, which is something most of us take for granted until it is threatened. Fitness and nutrition help me to be my best self today and are an investment in my dreams for tomorrow. 

A key to my success in these areas in the past two years has been the programs and products offered by Beachbody. I use to be a group-exercise-gym-addict and I still love the atmosphere of group exercise classes, but as a mom, working my whole day and my kids nap schedules around the particular class I wanted to take was nearly impossible. When I became a working mom with a deployed spouse, it became completely impossible. I quickly got sick of my treadmill and was frustrated because, as a lifelong athlete, the DVD workouts you find at Target or the magazine workouts, just weren't challenging enough for me. That is when I found Beachbody and decided to give it a try because I had taken TurboKick classes in the gym and enjoyed them, and their product TurboFire was created by the same trainer. It was love at first workout! Since then I have also done BodyPump, BodyCombat, PiYo, Insanity:Max30, 21DayFixExtreme, and Cize and have loved them all and continue to use workouts from all of them. More recently I have also gotten into Shakeology, which is a completely natural protein shake mix full of super foods and antioxidants. It fills me up, gives me plenty of energy, and drastically reduces cravings. I also love it because it is literally the only thing I can eat before an intense workout or run without feeling sick. Most of all, because it is made from completely natural ingredients proven to provide vast benefits to my body, I know I am doing something great for my health by drinking it daily.

Never in a million years did I think I would ever join any sort of business selling something because it is just uncomfortable to me, but Beachbody programs and products have proven to be such a benefit to my life that I want to be a part of helping other people invest in their health and steward their bodies well so that they can be their best self today and for many years to come.

If this resonates with you, I would love to hear from you! I will be starting a new challenge group in a few weeks to offer support and accountability and would love for you to be a part of it!

*If you are just wanting to check out the programs and products for yourself, you can check them out here.

Motherhood, Career, and Walking in Faith

I have often heard it said, and have likely uttered it myself, 

"Motherhood is the highest calling"

for those of us blessed with little ones to raise. 

While I agree that it is an amazing privilege, and for sure, a very high calling, I whole-heartedly believe that glorifying God is every believers highest calling. Many have interpreted the high calling of motherhood to require moms to stay home with their little blessings as long as it is financially possible. And while I think staying home with children is a very noble occupation, I don't necessarily agree with that interpretation.

I like to think of myself as a missional mom. By that, I mean that I strive to purposefully raise my kids on a "mission" to be God-following world-changers. A large part of that mission involves modeling for my children and actually following God's direction in my own life. Obviously, that direction looks different for every mom, but this is the {very abbreviated} story of what it is looking like for me right now.

For the past nearly four years now, following God's direction has kept me at home raising my babies. At times I wanted nothing more than to just go back to work, but I felt a strong conviction that home was where God wanted me during that time. Looking back, that time was so productive and fruitful, not only for my children's development, but also for my own spiritual development and refinement. I treasure those years that I got to spend every hard and every joyful moment with my children and I am already mourning the loss of that time as I approach the next season of life God has clearly set before me.

For the past seven or eight months I have known that God has been preparing me for something. For many of those months I didn't know just what it was, and I didn't imagine it would involve going back to work full time, but I knew it was coming. Only in the past couple of months has He actually revealed me to His plan for me to return to teaching. Before having children I was a high school math teacher and I loved it. After two and a half college degrees I had finally found the job that perfectly meshed with my gifts and passions and I very clearly remember feeling so fulfilled as if I was doing exactly what I was created to do.

I have always intended to return to teaching, I just thought it would probably be once my own kids were also in school. But God planted a seed of curiosity in my heart, as I renewed my expiring teaching license, about the possibility of going back, and I considered it very hesitantly and many times I dismissed it thinking, "there is no rush," but the Spirit would not let me rest when I dismissed it. The only times over the past couple of months that I have had peace, have been when I have allowed myself to hesitantly step forward in faith in the direction of returning to teaching. God has confirmed my steps every step of the way and has opened doors in unbelievable ways. Really, all I have done is step through those open doors in faith.

I don't really understand why this is happening now instead of in a few years when my kids will both be in elementary school, but I trust that God has His own reasons that I may not understand this side of heaven. I have lost sleep repeatedly counting up the pros and cons of going back to work right now, but ultimately, no list of pros and cons makes any difference when it comes to the will of the Lord. I either submit and follow, regardless of the potential sacrifice, or I miss out on the opportunity to see God work through my life and miss out on the opportunity to teach my children what it means to walk in faith.

With all that being said... I am very excited to be going back to my old job, teaching at my old school, and even the very same teaching line! And I am super excited for my children to get to go to an amazing preschool that I know they will love.  It will certainly be a challenge with my husband on his department head sea tour... but our family is always up for a challenge ;)

Intentionally Focused Reflection

Good Morning Girls recently wrapped up an 8 week study titled "Intentionally Focused" in which we examined significant pieces of our lives and attempted to intentionally focus each area for the glory of God.  Those of us who have been following along have put in a lot of hard work applying scripture to our lives and I am happy to report that I am not the same person I was 8 weeks ago. I imagine it will always be a battle to choose every day to do the work of intentionally focusing my life for the glory of God because my sinful nature so easily reverts to seeking my own comfort, pleasure and glory. But it is a battle worth fighting.

Why?

• Because I am a citizen of heaven. 
• Because I have been bought with a price. 
• Because God offers me a deep satisfaction that cannot be found anywhere else. 
• Because I have been charged as a steward of God's grace. 
• Because this life is fleeting, it is but a vapor, so I ought to use what little time I have focusing on that which is really, truly important in light of eternity.
• Because it is my highest calling to know God and bring Him glory.

Such a massive objective as intentionally focusing my entire life seems overwhelming and it is hard to even know where to begin. It turns out that intentional focus is actually quite simple, though not always easy. All I really have to do to intentionally focus my entire life is fix my eyes on Jesus! This requires a singular focus and forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward my goal. I recognize Jesus as the bread (my sustenance), the light (illuminating my way), the good shepherd (sacrificially leading and protecting me), and the way to find life in God.  Jesus equips me with His Spirit and is living and active in me as I seek to follow Him. My role is to seek His will and imitate Him by following His example.

Intentional focus begins in my mind. I will act on what I allow myself to believe. My behavior reflects what I allow myself to dwell on and therefore I must seek to dwell on those things which honor God. Easier said than done, which is why I must invite the Spirit to renew my mind by continually giving thanks to God. Furthermore, I must recognize the spiritual battle going on for my mind and I must chose to take every thought captive to Christ. As a benefit, my renewed mind will be able to determine the will of God which will certainly guide me as I bring intentional focus to other areas of my life. 

For me, my marriage is a significant area of my life and certainly an important area in which I ought to intentionally strive for God's glory. Glorifying God in my marriage involves understanding the unique purpose for which God created women and the unique role that He calls women to as imitators of Christ in their marriages. The Bible tells me that I was created as a companion-helper for my husband and also indicates that women have great influence in their relationships which can be used for good or evil. The Bible also makes clear women's unique call to imitate Christ in humble submission within their marriages. Not because their husbands do or don't deserve it, but because this is how they glorify God. 

God made me for relationship with Him, but also for relationship with others. He goes so far as to intertwine Himself as the "third cord" in my friendships (Ecc. 4:12). Friendship is intended, not only to bring me comfort and joy, but also to sharpen me and make me a better person. In bringing intentional focus to this are of my life I ought to seek to cultivate relationship-building qualities in my character through the Spirit like compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and graceful speech. These characteristics displayed by believers will serve to unite believers together in one body working together for the purpose of glorifying God just as He intended. Ultimately, it should be brotherly love, like Jesus displays toward me, that binds me together with my friends. 

As a parent I have a truly awesome responsibility for passing on my faith heritage to the next generation. Only God Himself can capture my children's hearts for the kingdom, but God Himself is also very clear in His commands to parents regarding setting their children on the right path. It is my responsibility to teach my children Scripture to guide and equip them for a life of faith. It is my responsibility to create a home environment where my children are surrounded by and frequently reminded of God's commands. It is my responsibility to share both Bible stories witnessing to God's greatness and also my personal faith stories witnessing to God's work in my own life. My children should see in me the difference a life of faith makes. "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior" (Ps 127), parents have the opportunity to direct children down a path to become world changers. What a gift it is that I get to participate in bringing glory to God and impacting His kingdom for generations to come in this way! Children truly are a gift from the Lord. A gift which I have the awesome privilege and great responsibility of stewarding well for His glory.

The concept of stewarding the gifts God has given me extends into my ministry. By His grace, I was born with God-given talents and by His grace, He continues to bestow spiritual gifts of special abilities when I receive the Spirit. These grace-gifts are not for me but for the glory of God and I must take care to steward them well! Considering that as a believer, I belong to all other believers as a part of the same body, I ought to devote myself, and my gifts, to brotherly love, following the ultimate example of Jesus who laid down His life for me in brotherly love. The ministries I am to pour my gifts into will be as unique as God created and gifted me, but the Bible does describes a worthy woman as one who devotes herself to good works in her marriage, motherhood, hospitality, service to the church, and assistance to those in need. This description paints broad strokes for what my ministries might include and demands that I look at the roles I already posses as wife and mother as ministries as well.

God is interested in my whole being, not only spiritual, but physical as well. In regards to my health I must begin with the belief that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in order to be a temple of the Holy Spirit. This perspective brings significance to how I take care of my physical body. The body is also a gift from God to be used for His glory. Not everything that seems desirable to me is actually good for me and I must continue to seek God's will regarding how I treat my body; what I put in it, what I do to it, and what I put on it. I take comfort and joy in knowing that there will come a day when God will take my corrupt, mortal, weak, dishonorable body wracked with the consequences of sin, and glorify it for the rest of eternity! Focusing on this and God's other promises motivates me to cleanse myself from defilement both physically and spiritually. 

The overwhelming themes I have noticed as I have studied these areas of my life over the past 8 weeks are capturing my thoughts to Christ and taking seriously my role as a steward. It seems that the key to fixing my eyes on Jesus is to invite the Spirit to renew my mind and take every thought captive to Christ by choosing to believe God's truth revealed in His word. One thought in particular that has been transformative to my thought processes and behaviors is that everything is a gift of God's grace and ultimately belongs to Him. Therefore, I am only a steward of God's grace in my life. What a simultaneous gift and responsibility! My marriage, my children, my friendships, my gifts and abilities, and even my physical body belong to God and are a gift of grace to me. How thrilling that He allows me to be an active participant in bringing Him glory through these things! 

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

~Hebrews 12:1-3

If you are interested in Intentionally Focusing your life for the glory of God, check out the 8 week Intentionally Focused scripture reading guide at Good Morning Girls (goodmorninggirls.org). Or join us for our next  4 week study beginning a week from tomorrow on the Importance of Easter. Let me know if you need help or encouragement getting started!

Intentionally Focused {week 1 reflection}

This week marked the beginning of the Good Morning Girls winter session, Intentionally Focused. It was an incredible week! The Spirit of God revealed so much to me through studying the verses selected for each day and through the women that I study with online. I have poured over the precious words of scripture for literally hours this week drinking fresh insight from familiar words. God has honestly blown me away with His faithfulness to teach me when I apply myself to His word.

This week has not been without it's challenges and intense spiritual battles. Both of my children have been sick for over a week now and with the weather being what it is in January in Connecticut, we have been cooped up in our house without any play dates, swim lessons, library time, or preschool for fear of sharing our germs. I don't know about your kids, but my kids were not made to be cooped up in the house. By the end of the week the situation in our home had pretty much degraded to a steady stream of whining and bickering. It has been a challenge, to say the least, for me to keep a good attitude about motherhood. I struggle with my calling as a mom anyway. Ever since leaving a job that I loved to stay home with my children I have been aching to go back to work and be good at something again! So last night, after a very long day with the kids, I went to bed as soon as my kids did, and literally prayed for sleep because I was so exhausted, had a headache, and really just didn't want to think about how discontent I was with my life anymore. When sleep didn't come, I got in an argument with God.

First the questions.

Why does this have to be so hard?
Why do You insist on this stay-at-home-mom thing for me?
Why can't I do something I am good at?
I want to do Your will for my life, but why can't Your will be something different?!

I know the answers to these questions without having to ask, just like Quinn knows the answers to his questions before the whining ensues. I was whining at God, plain and simple.

Then the confessions.

I don't think I will ever be the Spirit-filled mother that I want to be. I try so hard, and fail, fail, fail. I'm so tired, I just want to do something else.
I keep telling myself this difficult season is training for something better, something more fulfilling, but I am not sure I believe You have something better, more fulfilling for me. I know I'm not worthy of something better. I'm not even worthy of this.

Uncontrollable tears.

Then the realization that I am letting Satan cripple me with fear and lies.

Indignation.
Satan, don't you dare think I will let you do this to me. Don't you dare think you will win this.

Truth is the only weapon worth wielding against Satan's attacks. And faith is the only effective shield. I choose to believe in the Truth. So I repeat over and over to myself...

God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
The word of God is living and active in me.

I eventually fell asleep peacefully listing in my heart God's characteristics, remembering how I have benefited from experiencing each of His characteristics.

I woke up this morning refreshed with purpose in my mundane, often frustrating, life as a stay-at-mom. For now, I am content to continue running the race God has set before me and waiting on Him to show me the path marked out for me, wherever that path leads.

I am so grateful that God prepared me for this attack. Earlier this week one of my best friends who is also fasting right now (I am at the end of a 21 day fast) mentioned how she was experiencing spiritual warfare and earlier in the day I had talked about that very possibility with my own GMG group. The awareness helped me to identify what was going on in the moment when I was exhausted, frustrated and emotionally spent from a long, hard day. It makes perfect sense to me know. God has been teaching me so much lately and fasting has helped me to really focus. I can imagine that Satan has just been looking for an opportunity to strike and render everything I have learned useless by keeping me stuck in a pit of failure and hopelessness. He saw his opportunity last night when I was certainly vulnerable. Praise God for preparing me and equipping me with the truth I needed to get me through it!

This brings me to a few of the things I have been learning this week:
1) We act on what we choose to remember. Choose to remember who God is, what He can do, who you are, what you can do through Christ, and that the word of God is living and active in you! Fill your heart and your mind with Scripture. Read the psalms, listen to hymns, sing praise music. Journal the little moments of grace that you notice throughout the day. Remembrance with gratitude is the key to a Spirit-filled life!

2) Wisdom results from recognizing the brevity of life, and those who possess it make the most of their time by seeking God's will for their lives. Contrary to what I previously believed, making the most of my time is not packing my schedule in order to accomplish as many tasks as possible in a given day. Wouldn't Satan love to keep us so busy that we don't have the time to make the most of?! Wouldn't he love to keep us feeling guilty that we don't accomplish enough? Feeling discouraged that we are wasting our life if we aren't doing something every single second? What I have learned is that making the most of time literally means "redeeming" time which Ephesians 5 makes clear is accomplished by studying, meditating on, and applying God's word to our lives, continually looking for God's blessings and offering thanks, and submitting ourselves to others, serving their needs above our own. Quite a different picture than what culture leads us to believe. I personally refuse to waste another second of this brief life pursuing anything other than God's unique will for me.

3) Following God's will for your life requires total commitment and a singular focus. We must lay aside everything else. We must forget what lies behind; success, failure, our own selfish desires and even dreams. We must fix our eyes on the example of Jesus. We must pursue with zeal the prize of an eternal crown of life, righteousness, and glory.

4) I cannot bring about the work of the Spirit, therefore, prayer is vital! I covet God's favor in my daily tasks, particularly regarding the raising of my children. I had a particular revelation this week that no amount of training on my part will produce godly fruit in my children. They might learn to behave correctly, but what a tragedy if I work so hard and still miss the opportunity to see true fruit of the Spirit in them. I regularly pray for them in general and I regularly pray for specific fruit in my own life, but until this week have been shouldering the burden of producing righteousness in my children which is indeed a heavy burden and in fact, an impossible task. I cannot produce righteousness in my children, on the Spirit of God can do that, so I might as well remove that weight from my shoulders and get on my knees and beg for God to do it. "Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us; and confirm for us the work of our hands; yes, confirm for us the work of our hands." ~Psalm 90:17

Much of what I just shared about what I have learned this week was revealed to me through in-depth study of the the following Scripture; Ephesians 5, Psalm 90, Philippians 3, and Hebrews 12:1-3. Additionally, Beth Moore's, Believing God Bible Study, has been a heavy influence.

Thanks for letting me share! What are you learning?

Intentionally Focused in 2014

It's a new year! And over the past couple of weeks I have spent some time alone and with my husband thinking, praying, and discussing our goals for this year. Somehow January 1st sneaks up on me every year catching me unprepared to declare grand resolutions and instead is when I start thinking about goals after the busy-ness of the Christmas season has died down and I can think straight again. This year I had clear direction from God before the ball even dropped on New Year's Eve as to my major focus for the year but have only begun to figure out what that direction means in terms of specific goals.  My inspiration for 2014 comes from Hebrews 12:1-2;

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

In 2014, I will fix my eyes on Jesus! I will learn to live the life God has prepared for me with endurance. Endurance. It takes endurance to be the wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, that God intends me to be. And the only way to achieve that is to keep my focus in the right place! 

Today was our first day back at our home in Connecticut in over two weeks. Since all of us are sick with a nasty cold we stayed home from church and watched Seacoast Church online. Pastor Greg shared a great message which helped me to think more about specific goals for this year. He challenged us by asking What Do You Value? and What Do You Want To Change? because according to 1 Corinthians 10:23, "everything is permissible... but not everything is beneficial" and as Proverbs 17:24 says, "an intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions." He offered four areas to think about making goals in; intellectual, physical, spiritual, and relational. So as I have thought about what I value and what I want to change in each of those areas as well as how Hebrews 12:1-2 could be applied to my life in each of those areas, I've come up with a few more specific goals. 

Intellectual

As a stay-at-home-mom I often feel like my brain is dying because nothing I do as part of my "job" takes much intellect. It is one of my biggest struggles as a stay-at-home-mom because I love using my brain and learning new things. So this year I plan to further study an area of interest to help stimulate my intellect. I have always loves anatomy and physiology and I love fitness and health. I have learned that I don't want to make a career out of those interests, but that doesn't mean I can't learn more about the connection between A&P and my personal fitness routines just for fun as something to stimulate my brain. 

Physical

I have a pretty good exercise routine as it is so I plan to keep that up. I have missed my gym in CA that had great childcare because here in CT there are no gyms in my area with childcare so I have just been working out at home on my treadmill and using free weights. I greatly miss PiYo, Kickboxing and Spin class. I would love to find a video for one or more of those that I actually like. Any suggestions? I'm also open to trying one of the popular high intensity video workouts but don't really want to spend the money on one before knowing if I even like it since I've never seen a workout video I actually liked. 

Spiritual

For the past couple of years I have participated in Good Morning Girls online Bible studies which I plan to continue in 2014.

Scripture memorization has had a powerful impact on me over the past year so I would like to be more intentional about hiding more and more of God's Word in my heart. 

An area I want to work on personally that I think will pay great spiritual dividends is my desire to constantly be doing something. I attribute this to the ADD that I have had all my life. I often get bored even with just a few spare minutes. And boredom is one of my biggest fears and something that I am constantly running from. So I frantically fill my time with unnecessary tasks to make sure I am never bored. I think this attitude is hindering my spiritual life. I think I need to learn to be okay with quiet moments. I need to give God the chance to speak to me. And therefore I am going to take steps this year to limit some of the typical time-fillers I use to fill the quiet, beginning with a 21 day fast from facebook. I love facebook for keeping in touch with friends and family who are far away and I will miss you guys! But I find myself popping on there on my phone for no reason but to pass time so I think a break will be good. I will use the time to work on Scripture memory and prayer and hopefully fleshing out more of my goals for the coming year.  

Relational

2014 will be a year of lots of relational transition. We have just settled into a new home and will likely be moving again in a few months which will involve reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Additionally, hubby will be returning to sea tour and deployments which means a transition in our marriage and also for our children. During this time, we want to make sure that we continue to be intentional about building into our marriage. One way we plan to do this is my having more media-free nights at home where we play a game or talk rather than reading our own books or watching television. I also look forward to being intentional about building relationships in our new home, wherever that may be, but don't yet know how that will look. 

These are rough starts at goals, but I wanted to write them down while they were fresh in my mind and before it gets too far into the new year to be making New Years blog posts! 

miserable but {not so} rewarding, Part 2

Remember this post? The one where my husband said, "Having children is like service selecting submarines. It is miserable, but rewarding." And when I asked him when that rewarding part started he said, "When the kids are like, in their 20's or something."

Yea well, that is how this stay-at-home-mom thing is feeling again. Last week on a particularly bad day when the exhausted, cranky children were refusing to nap, I sent them screaming to their room and locked myself in my bathroom and bawled.  It's official, I have become a cliche.  The mom who locks herself in her bathroom and cries because she cannot believe how much of a failure she is every.single.day.

You see, I have learned a little bit since that last post. For example, I no longer measure my success by my children's behavior which I cannot control, and now I measure it by my own behavior, which theoretically, I should be able to control. The glitch in this system is that my behavior might be worse than my children's when considering the fact that they are 3 and under and I am an adult. An adult who too often forgets that her 3 year old is just a 3 year old and losses her temper.

So that's me lately, the lady in the bathroom crying while her kids scream their lungs out down the hall. And here is what I was saying to God as hot tears dripped on the bathroom counter:

I cannot do this! No matter how hard I try. No matter how good of a mom I am one day, I inevitably lose it eventually. I am so frustrated with myself. Why can't I figure this motherhood thing out? I'm so exhausted and so selfish and I so do not deserve the role You've put me in as a parent to these precious children.  I so desperately want to be good at this and no matter how hard I try, I am just not. 

And here is what God said to me:

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

A victorious warrior.

He will exult over you with joy, 

He will be quiet in His love,

He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

~Zephania 3:17 {NASB}

Our Advent study last week focused on LOVE and oh, how I needed that. And oh, how I still need that today. This will come off as vain {because it is}, but I have never found it difficult to believe that God loves me. Never, until becoming a parent and being pushed to my limits and having all my character flaws exposed. Now, I find it difficult to imagine a perfect God, who knows the deepest, darkest parts of me, singing with joy over me and sending His perfect Son to take the punishment for the deepest, darkest parts of me. Mind blowing. The gift of Christmas is mind blowing. 

So here is why I'm telling you my embarrassing lock-myself-in-my-bathroom-crying story. Maybe you have felt like a failure. Maybe you feel like a failure today.  Maybe you are in your bathroom crying right now. Here is what I want you to know, what God wants you to know... He is singing over you with joy right now. He is the Mighty One who saves and He loves you and He delights in you, even when you fail. I hope that is as encouraging to some of you as it is to me. 

Happy 1st Birthday LK!

My baby girl is turning ONE! As I type this I am thinking back to one year ago at this time when I was in the middle of my labor with her freaking out about having another premature baby. It was an awful labor but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the past year with this sweet, happy, healthy, precious little girl was well worth the terrible pregnancy, nerve wrecking labor, and 15 day NICU stay. Her infectious smile lights up my world every single day. I have never met a sweeter or happier child in my life. She is truly a joy in every sense of the word and I have really savored this past year with her. I honest-to-goodness even treasured the middle of the night feedings when she was in her first few months, knowing this time around that the lack of sleep would be short lived and so would the sleepy infant snuggles. In all honesty, this first year has gone too fast and I'm clinging on to the last moments I have left with my baby as she too quickly turns into a toddler. It is impossible to be too sad though because it is so fun seeing her bubbly personality continue to develop and at this age I enjoy watching her learn, discover, and experience new things every day.

Today we had a little fun with the {almost} birthday girl. We dragged my old high chair from when I was a baby out into my parents back yard that is on the brink of fall in Maryland and got Lanie Kate a cupcake from a local cupcakerie {that is catering her upcoming cupcake themed party}. This was LK's first cupcake so it was really fun to see her enjoy a sweet treat and yummy mess for the first time. I went a little crazy with the photos in this post, but I just couldn't choose! I love all her little expressions!

 Confession... I have given my parents a hard time my entire life for ditching me with my aunt on my 1st birthday in order to go on vacation to Hawaii. As it turns out, tomorrow morning before the birthday girl wakes up I'll be boarding a plane to go visit a good friend for a few days sans children {taking advantage of daddy being off of work and available}. I'm sure I'll never hear the end of this from my own parents or from my little birthday girl! Hopefully she can forgive me since I let her eat cake a day early and we're throwing her a party next weekend too!

Love you to pieces my little sweetness! 

Weary Mama

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

~Galatians 5:22-23 {NASB}

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."

~Galatians 6:7-10 {NASB}

Do good. Show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Do not grow weary of doing these things and in due time you will reap the benefits. I wonder if Paul had mommies in mind when he wrote this? I know God certainly did!

Q picks puffs off his little sister's tray and feeds them to the dogs. I have asked him not to do that approximately 3,967 times before. What would be so difficult about just.doing.what.I.say?! Is it not obvious that my to-do list for our upcoming move is about a mile long and mommy is holding on to her sanity by a thread and does not feel like correcting him one.more.time. for silly trivial stuff that for some reason he persists at doing? Feeding the dogs unauthorized snacks. Climbing on the furniture. Playing too rough with his little sister. Playing in the sink and slopping water all over the house. Weary does not even begin to describe how I feel on some days about trying to maintain love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control in discipling a 2 year old 24/7. Can I get an "amen" mamas?!

Too often my weariness leads my sinful heart to proclaim something like... "Forget it God! Your way isn't working. My angry, short-tempered, impatient commands are much more effective at getting the behavior I want out of my 2 year old." Yea... if the behavior I want is temporary obedience {yes please} with a side of angry, short-tempered, impatient 2 year old dictator in the near future {not so much...}. I'm sure my barking "Stop yelling at your sister!" really models the loving, kind, gentle response I want him to have when his little sister grabs one of his toys or {heaven forbid} touches his car seat. Okay God, maybe You really do have this figured out.

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." ~Galatians 6:9-10 {NASB}

While we have the opportunity... This is it. This is my chance. This time in my kids lives is my opportunity to model life in the Spirit- godly behavior even when I am feeling weary. God knows I can't do it on my own and God knows I'm gonna blow it at times, but dear God, please help me make the most of this opportunity to do good!

Happy Feet

My little dude is growing up so fast! I can't take it. Did I tell you that I totally got misty eyed the first time he kept his underwear dry and told me he had to go potty? Yea, I did. Before having kids I thought I would be so excited for them to get out of the toddler years and I laughed at mothers who teared up about their children growing up. And now, here I am crying over pee in a plastic Elmo potty! But I digress... I am on here today to write about another little growing up moment for Q :)

Have you seen the movie Happy Feet? If you haven't, you should. It is so cute! All the Emperor penguins are good singers and that is how they attract their mates, by singing their "heart song" and "a penguin without a heart song is hardly a penguin at all" according to one of the characters in the movie. Little penguin Mumble is born with dancing "happy" feet though and he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket and the movie is about him learning to be himself and others learning to accept his differences. This movie has replaced Q's long time favorite movie The Sandlot as his current favorite and he randomly throughout the day will waddle around the house stomping his feet really quickly exclaiming "I have happy feet mommy!" It's pretty darn cute, I must say.

Annnnyway, we were at the park a couple of days ago and he met a little girl who was a little bit older than him and became friends. This is kind of a big deal with Q. He has lots of friends, but they are generally kids he sees frequently because they are my friend's kids. He is definitely not one to speak to strangers and generally prefers to quietly observe kids he doesn't know at the playground rather than strike up a friendship. But he and this little girl were having a legitimate conversation and making choices together about what they wanted to play. I was pretty proud of him.

I guess he must have thought this little girl was pretty special because at some point he busted out his mating call... his happy feet moves. She looked at him like he had lost his marbles and ran off to play somewhere else. Sorry Q, guess she wasn't your "one true love."

Potty Training

We've been potty training our 2 year old this week. Fun times. Yes. Fun times. With soooo much time sitting at home waiting for the next "learning opportunity" I have had a lot of time to reflect on my choice of potty training method. Like most parenting choices, I don't think there are really "right" and "wrong" potty training methods, its just seems most important to pick a method that fits you and your family's needs. And the method we used definitely is typical "me," for better or worse!

We used a 3 day method in which you commit 3 days to doing nothing {literally... nothing} but potty training. You spend all of your child's waking hours attached at the hip with him or her so you can catch every accident and usher them swiftly to the throne. I love my kid but 3 days cooped up in the house with no personal space pretty much drives us both batty. Day 1 was fun and I even made the comment "I should do this more often... set aside a whole day with no chores, errands, friends, outside activities, or technology just to enjoy each other." Bahahaha! By day 2 when he would leave the room where I was to go get something and I would start to get up to follow him he would turn around and give me the fish eye and say "You stay there mom. Just stay there!"

I gotta give my little man some credit though. He was practically potty trained in about 3 hours. The rest has just been reinforcing. It definitely gets easier every day, but already {I wrote this on day 4} I look forward to the day when I won't carry tension in my shoulders when leaving the house trying to make sure I have remembered everything I might need for a potty emergency.

How exactly does this approach fit me, you ask?

I am notoriously impatient. I like to think that I am just "driven" because when I start something, I immediately can't wait to complete it and will work with a singular focus until it is done. This character trait has proved beneficial at times {like completing 56 college credit hours during one of my husband's six month deployments} but also just makes me a grumpy mama half the time when I'm trying desperately to complete something that my kids are hindering me from completing. Regardless, my "driven-ness" {i.e. impatience} is why the 3-days-of-misery method appealed to me in the first place. Get through the 3 days and "viola" you never have to think about it again! Sounds good right? Ha! Honestly, it hasn't been miserable. But even if they are trained, there is still so much extra work involved in making sure they have access to a bathroom with the appropriate gear {hello, Lightening McQueen potty seat} wherever you go.

I tend to be a tad bit impulsive. I read an e-book on this potty training method recommended by a friend and the next day I stayed up late prepping meals for 3 days of potty training, getting together stay-at-home activities, and doing any necessary chores around the house {a notable difference from my typical Sunday evening ritual of doing absolutely nothing}. The following morning, we started, despite some not-so-trival inconveniences like needing to pick my husband up from the airport which required leaving the house {a big no-no on day 1}.

I am pridefully independent. Lets consider the advice I got when setting out on this endeavor... Start over a weekend when your husband can be around to help. Nope. I started on a Monday morning while my husband was still out of town for work. Let someone else keep your other baby at least for the first {most intense} day. Nope, she's still nursing so that would be difficult. As a military wife, I like to think I can handle it all on my own. And I won't lie, I like a good challenge ;)

With all that being said... I do highly recommend this method because it works! I have been beyond impressed with how quickly he picked up on it and how relatively painless the process has been. I was dreading potty training but in all honesty {so far} it's been great. I actually got a little teary eyed when my "big boy" told me he had to go potty and went on his own. When did he grow up?!

For more information on the method we used see 3daypottytraining.com and check out the e-book "3 Day Potty Training" by Lora Jensen.

Building Faith In His Plan {GMG Reflection- Luke 9}

This week I studied Luke 9 during my quiet times as part of my Good Morning Girls Bible study. This passage has provided such an appropriate challenge for me leading up to Easter.

Jesus empowers the disciples to perform miracles and sends them out to do ministry with the specific instruction to "take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag, nor bread, nor money; and do not even have two tunics apiece" {Luke 9:3}. They are to rely on God's provision through others throughout their ministry. That idea is scary enough and then Jesus eludes that sometimes people will not receive them {i.e. they will not have shelter and food}. Jesus is telling them to go with nothing, trusting in His plan, His provision, and simultaneously warning them that sometimes His plan includes hardship for them. What a challenge it would have been to be those disciples and take such a huge step of faith, choosing to put aside their own means and relying completely on God's provision for their very life, knowing that there would be times when they would be hungry and cold.

This must be what Jesus means when He says, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?" {Luke 9:23-25}

Ultimately it comes down to putting God's plan above my plan. If I were one of those disciples, my plan would have included a place to live, something to eat, and a source of income for security. But God had a different plan for them. And in order to follow Jesus they had to choose that plan {pick up their cross}, insecurities, hardships, and all, and trust that His plans are better than ours.

As I reflected on this over the week I looked inside myself asking just how much do I trust that His plans are better than ours? How willing am I to lay aside my plans, my comforts, my very life, to pick up my cross and follow His plan?

I would like to think that if Jesus stood before me and gave me instructions that I would follow them even if they were not palatable to me. But I have heard God's call on my heart clearly at times and have justified my choice not to follow His leading because I didn't think it made sense. However, the more I learn about Jesus, the more I realize that Jesus doesn't make sense! When there is nothing to eat but five loaves and two fish and there are five thousand hungry people, He says to his disciples, "You give them something to eat!" {Luke 9:13}. The disciples went about passing out the food and lo and behold it never ran out! The Bible is full of stories of people acting in faith, doing things that don't make much earthly sense which is precisely how they point so clearly to God {see Hebrews 11}.

This week God pointed out an area of my life I have a difficult time releasing to Him... my children. We recently watched an episode of "The Bible" series in which Abraham obeys God by preparing to sacrifice Isaac {Genesis 22}. It absolutely did not make sense that God would tell Abraham to sacrifice his son, whom God had promised to father a nation through. And yet, Abraham was obedient, trusting that despite the personal pain this would cause him, that God's plan is better than his, and if God called him, he would do it {Hebrews 11:17}. Ultimately, God provided another sacrifice and spared Isaac, but the point is Abraham's willingness to pick up his cross and follow the Lord no matter the cost.

I am ashamed to say that I am fairly certain that under no circumstances would I do the same as Abraham with my children. It has been this thought that has haunted me all week. It dawned on me that it's not God's ability that I doubt, but it is His plan. He routinely allows bad things to happen in this life to people who love Him. I know that I should still trust Him even if *the worst* might happen knowing that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" {Romans 8:28}. Even though I believe that, I still want to say no if God calls me to do something that would put my children in {what I deem} unreasonable danger.

My challenge this week has been to put God's plan over my children and it has not been easy! There have been moments in prayer when I let my heart soak in His word..."If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?" {Luke 9:23-25}... when I can feel my grip of control in this area loosening, and then moments later I'll think of something horrific that could happen and my heart tightens hard again.

It was in the midst of this struggle, I walked into our church's Good Friday service holding my babies tight to me because traffic caused us to be late so we didn't have time to drop them off at child care before service began. As I held my precious ones I looked up to an image of God's beloved Son hanging on a cross. As the hustle of being late settled into a reflective calm during the service, it dawned on me for the first time this week that the very thing I have been struggling with, that my children are too great a sacrifice to follow God's plan, is what God has already done for me... for my children... whom He loves so much that He allowed His Child to be tortured and murdered despite pleas from His Child, "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done" {Luke 22:42}. Oh God, how can I withhold anything from You? You have withheld nothing from me.

I know that for me to follow Jesus it will require daily carrying of my cross, daily laying down my control over my life and choosing God's plan, which will undoubtedly include choosing to follow even when it doesn't make earthly sense to me and even when it results in pain and difficulty at times. I am empowered to bear my cross because He did it first, He first loved me {1 John 4:19}.

Flying with Young Children

As I prepare myself for my littlest's first of many cross country flights coming up this year, I have been thinking back on all the things I have learned about air travel with young children from our many flights with our 2 year old. I frequently get asked for advice about traveling with young children based on my son's resume, which includes numerous cross country and international flights, and my willingness to travel alone and pregnant with my toddler.  Hopefully you will find some of our tips and tricks useful too!

Before getting into specifics, I'll start off with my general philosophy regarding traveling with young children. It might be miserable {probably not as miserable as you think it will be, but the potential is always there...}, but it is only ONE day {even flying to the literal opposite side of the world takes less than 24 hours. I know... I've done it... 6 months pregnant with a 20 month old :-) }. The more you can make that one day like your children's normal days, the smoother it will likely go.

Stick to your usual nap/sleep schedule as much as possible 
If your child takes a morning and afternoon nap at home, try to have them do the same while traveling. You obviously may have to adjust nap times based on lay overs and such. And I know it can be difficult to get kids to go to sleep in your lap with so many distractions, but even just encouraging at least a "rest" time that follows their typical nap times helps too if you can't get them to actually sleep. {I would advise planning nap/night times based on the time zone your child is use to when you start your journey as opposed to trying to acclimate them to a new time zone the same day as traveling}

Our kids both had/have nap time items they only get at nap and night time {pacifier/special stuffed animal/blanket} which help them know that it is time to go to sleep or at least rest. We have found the special "sleep-status" of these items extremely helpful when traveling.  Even if we can't lay them down in their crib or bed, if we give them their nap items it cues them to what time it is.

We never held or rocked our children to sleep because we wanted them to know how to fall asleep on their own which has resulted in children who have a hard time falling asleep in our arms {like they are on a plane}. The one exception to this that works for us is putting them in the Ergo carrier {any baby carrier with the child facing you should work fine}. So sometimes that comes in handy for us getting them to fall asleep on a plane or in an airport.

Nurse or Drink during take-off/landing/altitude changes
As babies, both our children followed a loose nursing routine in which they nurse every 3-4 hours during the days. As a rule, I do not let them nurse between those meal times {i.e. snacking} because I want them to eat good meals. However, I throw this rule out the window when flying. Swallowing helps clear the pressure that builds up in your ears when changing altitude.  Babies and young children do not understand how to do this on their own so giving them something to swallow helps. {p.s. a pacifier doesn't do the trick because they actually need to swallow, not just suck, to clear their ears}

Both my babies have loved nursing so they would nurse whenever I offered it to them, so just after the plane takes off and right after the plane starts making its final descent to land, I would always encourage them to nurse even if it hadn't been 3 hours since their last meal. One day of "snacking" never started any bad habits when I have done this in the past.

After a year of age when my son was no longer nursing I would give him sips of juice during these times. My son only gets 1 cup of watered down juice per day so juice is a real treat for him and I know he will drink it. Doesn't matter what it is that you give your kids to swallow, just pick something that they like so you know they will drink/eat it. After going through security I would always stop and buy a bottle of juice to put in his sippy cup when he was little so that I knew I would have something ready for take-off. {A little tip I learned the hard way... if your child loves juice so much that they will guzzle the whole cup the minute you give it to them like my son... only offer them sips every few minutes so they can continue to clear their ears throughout the whole altitude change}

Bring their car seat on the plane if you can
With children under 2, you may be planning to fly with them on your lap to save money.  You can still ask the airline when you check in if they have extra space, in which case they may let you bring your car seat on the plane rather than checking it. Do it! In our experience, kids do so much better in their own car seat than on a lap or in a seat without a car seat. Probably because they already know how to behave in a car seat from daily "training" as they ride around town. This is particularly helpful if your children {like mine} do not like to fall asleep if they are being held.

{Another lesson learned the hard way on a 21 hour international journey flying pregnant without my husband with a 15 month old I had purchased a $1,000+ ticket for so I could use his car seat... if you are really set on traveling with a car seat, make sure to call the airline -do not trust their website- ahead of time to make sure they will allow your car seat.  Some airlines don't allow rear-facing car seats.}

Give them ONE toy/book at a time and put it away each time when they are done
This strategy has helped us not need to pack so much stuff which is a life saver when hauling a toddler, a car seat, and all your stuff around an airport during plane changes. I pack a few books and a few small toys or activities and rotate through them. All you parents know that your kid does not mind reading the same book over and over and over again... for once, this love of repetition works to our advantage! And if you put toys aways after each use, young children think they are new again when you bring it out again 5 minutes later.

Entertainment ideas:
Books. Remember kids don't mind reading the same one over and over!
Songs. "Old McDonald" has helped my child get over many many tantrums and keeps toddlers busy thinking of animals. Or bring and ipod with some of their favorite songs and play it softly or through ear phones if your child will wear them {I figure other passengers would rather listen to The Donut Man softly sing than my child scream}
Pictures. My son is a narcissist. He could happily look at pictures and videos of himself all day long! I always have some on my iphone that I can whip out if need be.
Videos. Our kids don't watch TV before 2 years of age as a rule, but the exception to that rule is flights... I download an episode of a kiddie show on my iphone before traveling. Now that my oldest is over 2 and has a longer attention span, I will probably bring the portable DVD player and one of his favorite videos on our future flights.
Crayons and Stickers. Once they are old enough obviously.

Packing your carry-on:
Be prepared but try not to over pack.  Over-packing will just make it more difficult for you to find what you need, not to mention, more of a pain dragging it all through the airport!  I am easily able to fit everything I need in a large zippered Land's End canvas tote that fits under the seat so I can easily reach what I need with a child on my lap.

Healthy, simple snacks. If your kids aren't use to a lot of processed sugar, flying is not the time to introduce them to it as a "treat." Who knows how it will effect your child {hyper, tummy ache, etc}. Opt for tried and true favorites, preferably that your child can feed themselves if they are old enough. We loved organic mum-mums {dissolvable rice crackers} and organic puffs when our son was really little.  Then he graduated to goldfish crackers and craisins {which he thinks are candy}. Normally our kids don't do much snacking, but when we fly, as long as it's not junk, I use snacks as a weapon against melt-downs.

Blanket for the floor. I tend to use a blanket on an empty seat next to me {if there is one} or on the floor in the back of the plane to change diapers rather than waiting in line and trying to wrangle children into a minuscule bathroom and precariously perch them on a flimsy fold down diaper changer thingy. But, whatever is easiest/most comfortable for you, do it! The blanket can play double duty in airports during lay overs when you can lay it on the floor for your baby to roll around or sit on and play a little bit for a nice break for your arms.

3 favorite books and 3 favorite small toys for rotating. My husband hates The Peekaboo Book, however it was one of my son's fav's as a baby and we'd rather read a book we hate 2,376 times in a row than listen to a baby screaming for 10 hours {and so would the other people on the plane :-P}. Moral of the story... pick your child's favorites!

Nap/night time items and a baby carrier. Pacifier, stuffed animal, blanket... whatever tells your child "it is time to sleep." For us, the baby carrier helps to keep them relatively immobile and cozy, blocks some of the distractions, and keeps our arms from falling asleep after the baby finnnnally goes to sleep and we are scared to move :-P

Change of cloths for accidents. Layers of clothes for differing temperatures. A "wet bag" or plastic bag for wet/dirty clothes.

Empty sippy or straw cup for toddler drinks.

*If you use cloth diapers like us, consider using disposables on the plane and pack the cloth in checked baggage. We've done it both ways, and for us it just isn't worth all the extra bulk and having to carry all the wet/dirty diapers along with everything else.

*If you make your own baby food like us, consider buying the organic packets with the screw-on spoon for travel.  I always keep these in my diaper bag whether traveling or not since I never know when I'll be out longer than expected and my kids will need to eat.  Having a healthy, organic fruit/veggie snack option in my bag comes in handy frequently! Plum organics makes an awesome screw-on spoon for baby food packets that you can find at Target and is great for feeding the really young ones on-the-go.

And remember...
Ultimately you cannot control your children but you can control how you respond to them. It is a long, potentially uncomfortable experience for your children and they may not behave the way we would like them to. Being considerate to those around you on the flight is of course important, but at some point there might not be anything you can reasonably do about your child's behavior, and ultimately you are a parent first.  So be apologetic if your child is making it a miserable flight for everyone, and then just focus on being the best parent to your child that you can be and most people will be surprisingly understanding and even helpful and encouraging. It probably will not be that bad, and even if it is... it is only one day!

Safe and happy travels :-)

Growing Pains {My Faith Journey}

Growing up in a Christian home where Bible stories were read regularly, prayer was a typical part of our meal time and night time routine, and church was a regular part of the week, I am truly blessed to be able to say that I cannot remember a day of my whole life that I did not know Jesus as my Savior. I was about seven years old when I actually chose to get baptized and commit my life to Christ, but even before that, I have always known Jesus, even if it wasn’t in an “intellectual” sort of way. I am grateful to my family for this; for the legacy of faith which they passed down to me such that I have never lived a day of my life without the peace of Christ. 

This makes for not such an exciting testimony of salvation, but of course, as I have grown up and matured, as I have inevitably faced life’s challenges that come with the growing responsibility that time and age brings, I have learned to rely on God in different ways.  Much like teenagers experience growing pains, my story is about the “growing pains” I have experienced through my faith journey.

The majority of my life growing up was spent in a pool. I think I was seven when I started swimming competitively and over the next seven years the sport completely took over my life. In many ways swimming was an excellent thing for me; it kept me healthy, being good at something gave me lots of self-confidence, and my busy training schedule taught me discipline and kept me out of the kind of trouble kids get into when they are bored. On the other hand, swimming became an idol for me.  I had a singular focus in life, and it had nothing to do with God.  By the time I was in high school my life revolved around my sport.  I had practice before school, I went to school, I did my homework in the car on the way to afternoon training, I ate my dinner in the car on the way home from training, and I went to bed. With that much time and energy devoted to swimming it is easy to see how I began to identify myself by my athletic success. And you can imagine how crushing a career-ending injury was to a fourteen year old whose whole world revolved around being an elite athlete. I questioned God, why did He let this happen to me?

While taking a break from training after having shoulder surgery, I had to find something else to do with my time. I played some other sports, but mostly finally made friends with some people from school that I previously hadn’t had the time for. These friendships were wonderful for me, as having fun, loyal, and supportive friends always is wonderful. However, this little taste of popularity caused me to place more and more importance on being liked and being popular such that now instead of swimming, my social status was the most important thing to me. I always had someone with me, I always had a “boyfriend,” and always kept myself socially busy. By the time my parents announced we were moving to another state just before my Junior year of high school I was devastated because I was in such a comfortable social situation in the school where I was.  I didn’t want to leave my best friends and I didn’t want to have to start over building popularity somewhere else.  Looking back, I can see this as another attempt by God at refocusing my attention.

When I arrived at my new school I quickly made a good friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, but I was definitely a “small fish in a big pond” and never really gained any sort of popularity. I did eventually find my place as part of our church’s youth group and in my female small group through that youth group.  God really used this time in my life when I had fewer distractions from athletics and social status to guide me towards whom He intended for me to become.  My faith was becoming my own as I transitioned from believing the truths told to me by my parents and church leaders, to spending more time studying God’s Word and really discovering biblical truth for myself.  For the first time in my life I felt God really leading me. 

As it approached time for making a college decision, I felt God guiding me towards student ministry which put a new spin on college searches since a ministry major would require a Christian college, something my parents were not too keen on given the lack of educational rigor stereotypically associated with “Bible college.” I clearly felt God’s leading though, and through a series of events including not getting into other colleges I really should have based on my grades and extracurriculars, we settled on an educationally respectable Christian liberal-arts university that had my desired major. This represented a major step in my spiritual journey; when I chose to follow God’s leading as opposed to God allowing injury or relocation to refocus my attention.

After college, I married into the military and ended up pursuing a teaching degree, which led to a more portable career than student ministry.  I felt like I had found my calling as a secondary math teacher. I loved working with students and seemed to have an aptitude for teaching and classroom management. As a first year teacher my students outperformed every veteran teacher in the department, a fact I was very proud of.  I loved feeling good at my job and like I was making a difference in the world. Again, I found my identity in my career success rather than in my position as a child of God.

Then we got pregnant and my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home with our son for at least two years.  Becoming a mother sent me into serious identity crisis mode.  I went from a job I loved and was good at to being a stay-at-home-mom. I didn’t feel like what I did on a day-to-day basis was very significant and I didn’t feel like I did it well and there really was no way to quantify success. Through many heart-to-hearts with my husband and with a wonderful group of Christian girl friends I learned that my real problem is that I have always used worldly status to identify myself {athletics, popularity, career}. As a stay-at-home-mom I didn’t have much worldly status and this led me to find my identity as a child of God, living for His glory, not my own.

I was further humbled during my second pregnancy when we moved to Singapore temporarily.  It was a difficult pregnancy beginning with what we assume was the miscarriage of a twin followed by lots of bleeding into our second trimester.  Combine that stress with the usual pregnancy nausea and vomiting, unfamiliar food in a foreign country, severe insomnia lasting 6 months, a toddler just discovering his independence, and being half a world away from our support system of friends and family, and it made for a very miserable me! There was no way I could be a decent wife and mother operating on as little sleep as I was getting {about an hour per night} with constant nausea and frequent vomiting. Until then, there had never been a time in my life when I could not do something if I just put my mind to it.  At that time, I could not.  I was so far beyond my capabilities and every day I prayed for just enough energy to take care of my son and keep it together for my husband’s sake. God provided.  Life didn’t get any easier for months, and still, every day God provided just enough love… patience… energy… to make it through.  The experience of living beyond myself and relying fully on God was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not trade the intimacy with God and spiritual growth I experienced for anything. I now have a greater appreciation and trust for God equipping and empowering me supernaturally for whatever He calls me to in life. At this time, it is being a wife and a mother. Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but I know that whatever it is, He will give me just what I need to be successful for His glory.

As I now reflect on the growing pains I have experienced throughout my faith journey, I realize that there is a singular theme, one simple, and yet profound, truth, which I have had to learn over and over again in my stubbornness, and that is that my identity and my purpose are found in Christ. So often I am tempted to identify myself by my successes.  So often I am tempted to think I can do it all on my own. But when I look back at the story of my faith journey I can see that my identity and significance lie in doing what He calls me to do, with the power that He provides, for His glory. Let me not forget it!