Confession

I have been moping around for almost two months now. When we first arrived in Singapore I had hope that I would settle in and begin to enjoy it or at least be able to tolerate it without being miserable. As time wore on I started to blame my state of discontent on the combination of pregnancy and Singapore. I expected things to improve after my first trimester. They didn’t. Now the pregnancy is much less stressful, I am less sick, and yet, I am still mopping and miserable. My mantra has been, “just get through this day and you will be one day closer to going home.” Basically, all that the moping and time spent dwelling on how miserable I am has accomplished, is pinpointing why I hate Singapore and what I will avoid at all costs in future relocation choices.  Maybe that is a valuable lesson, but something tells me it is not a lesson worth four months of moping and whining and complaining and making, not only myself, but also my husband, miserable.

I have tried to snap myself out of it.  I have tried to just “have a good attitude” and that will make things better. But unlike my usual highly adaptive self, none of my techniques for forcing myself to be happy, or at least pleasant to be around, have worked. It is frustrating and I had pretty much given up and resigned myself to being miserable for the next two months until I can get the heck out of Singapore!

I recently started a new Good Morning Girls Bible study. Of all things, the topic is Proverbs 31. Just what I wanted to study… how to be the perfect woman. Yay, that won’t be at all depressing considering I am currently failing almost every standard I have ever set for myself as a wife. I don’t clean (we have a housekeeper), I don’t cook (we get per diem $ to eat out and our “kitchen” is poorly equipped), I rarely do laundry, I never iron, most days I wear gym clothes all day even though I haven’t even been allowed by my OB to work out until last week, and I frequently whine and complain about my how miserable I am here. I decided to do the study anyway and just give myself the excuse that I can start applying it when I am no longer pregnant (which conveniently is also when I will no longer be living in Singapore).

Today I spent some time catching up on the GMG blog that accompanies the study and God has really spoken to me through these other women’s words (in addition to His own words in the Bible) that the time is now to be a godly woman, not later when I am no longer pregnant or no longer living in a place that I find unpleasant. Sure, there is grace for the days in which my pregnancy induced insomnia and sickness will require me to take it easy and that’s okay. But my attitude should not be that of writing off being a good wife until this difficulty passes. My purpose when I wake up in the morning should not be, “just get through this day so I will be one day closer to going home.”

So first, I want to apologize to my husband, who has been incredibly understanding and patient with me through the past two months.  I am sorry for not being the wife you deserve, the wife God calls me to be. And secondly, I want to declare my intention of striving everyday towards the example of the Proverbs 31 woman, an excellent wife whose “worth is far above jewels” (Proverbs 31:10).  I know it will take discipline and sacrifice and time, but I am tired of focusing on my own misery, it is time to focus on honoring God with my life each and everyday.