miserable but {not so} rewarding, Part 2

Remember this post? The one where my husband said, "Having children is like service selecting submarines. It is miserable, but rewarding." And when I asked him when that rewarding part started he said, "When the kids are like, in their 20's or something."

Yea well, that is how this stay-at-home-mom thing is feeling again. Last week on a particularly bad day when the exhausted, cranky children were refusing to nap, I sent them screaming to their room and locked myself in my bathroom and bawled.  It's official, I have become a cliche.  The mom who locks herself in her bathroom and cries because she cannot believe how much of a failure she is every.single.day.

You see, I have learned a little bit since that last post. For example, I no longer measure my success by my children's behavior which I cannot control, and now I measure it by my own behavior, which theoretically, I should be able to control. The glitch in this system is that my behavior might be worse than my children's when considering the fact that they are 3 and under and I am an adult. An adult who too often forgets that her 3 year old is just a 3 year old and losses her temper.

So that's me lately, the lady in the bathroom crying while her kids scream their lungs out down the hall. And here is what I was saying to God as hot tears dripped on the bathroom counter:

I cannot do this! No matter how hard I try. No matter how good of a mom I am one day, I inevitably lose it eventually. I am so frustrated with myself. Why can't I figure this motherhood thing out? I'm so exhausted and so selfish and I so do not deserve the role You've put me in as a parent to these precious children.  I so desperately want to be good at this and no matter how hard I try, I am just not. 

And here is what God said to me:

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

A victorious warrior.

He will exult over you with joy, 

He will be quiet in His love,

He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

~Zephania 3:17 {NASB}

Our Advent study last week focused on LOVE and oh, how I needed that. And oh, how I still need that today. This will come off as vain {because it is}, but I have never found it difficult to believe that God loves me. Never, until becoming a parent and being pushed to my limits and having all my character flaws exposed. Now, I find it difficult to imagine a perfect God, who knows the deepest, darkest parts of me, singing with joy over me and sending His perfect Son to take the punishment for the deepest, darkest parts of me. Mind blowing. The gift of Christmas is mind blowing. 

So here is why I'm telling you my embarrassing lock-myself-in-my-bathroom-crying story. Maybe you have felt like a failure. Maybe you feel like a failure today.  Maybe you are in your bathroom crying right now. Here is what I want you to know, what God wants you to know... He is singing over you with joy right now. He is the Mighty One who saves and He loves you and He delights in you, even when you fail. I hope that is as encouraging to some of you as it is to me.