Parenting with Love and Logic {Currently Reading}

We want to be intentional in the way we parent our children. As our first is getting older and understanding more and more, we are beginning to see opportunities to teach him appropriate behavior and to instill in him positive character traits. There is such a plethora of parenting books and advice available out there it can sometimes be difficult to figure out which philosophies and systems agree with our values, are suitable for our personalities, and are feasible for our family. So we welcomed a book recommendation from our good friends who have been raising their daughter with the same philosophy and practices that we have been raising Q.

After reading the first half (which covers the philosophy behind the methods) of "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, I feel so encouraged and empowered as a Christian parent trying to raise a responsible child. The Love and Logic parenting philosophy aims to teach children responsibility by allowing natural consequences to do the teaching.  The goal is for parents to be "consultants" offering thoughtful guidance and firm enforceable limits.  A key to this parenting philosophy is allowing children to fail (and suffer the consequences of that failure) which will hopefully help children learn to make responsible choices while they are young and the stakes are still low.  Under this philosophy, parents are to offer children as much control as is reasonable by offering children choices with consequences (as opposed to telling children what to do and threatening punishment if they do not comply).

The 2 rules of Love & Logic:
1) Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. This can be accomplished by giving choices (all of which are acceptable to the parent and which can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing). This gives the child some control and the consequences come from the child's decision, not the parents.

2) When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. I appreciate the following words from the authors, "Our intervention into our children's problems demonstrates a selfish love. We must rise up in a higher love- a love that shows itself in allowing our children to learn on their own."

The two aspects of this philosophy I am already attempting to implement (with decent success! and results!) even though I haven't finished reading the book are offering choices and showing empathy.

Choices, choices! It can be difficult to remember to offer choices instead of telling Q what to do.  It takes extra time and energy to think up choices that are reasonable for a 1 year old, acceptable to me, and enforceable if he chooses to do nothing. But I have found that it makes both of us (me and Q) feel more in control.  Q feels more in control because I am not telling him exactly what to do.  I feel more in control because the choices are enforceable without punishment (which often left me feeling guilty).

Previously most of Q's meals ended in frustration for one or both of us.  He likes to feed the dogs off of his high chair.  I do not like him to feed the dogs off of his high chair.  I had tried telling him sternly, "No, you may not feed the dogs.  Eat your food please." I had even tried lightly slapping his hand as a reprimand when he did it. Both strategies either resulted in hysterical tears or hysterical laughter and no change in behavior.  So my personal favorite 'choice' that I offer is "Quinn, you can either keep your food on your tray and eat it OR you can be done with your meal and you can get down and play." Both of those options are acceptable to me and if he continues feeding the dogs off of his tray the choice is enforceable because I say "Looks like you choose to get down and play" and meal time is over.  It only took a couple of days before he learned I wasn't going to feed him again until his next meal so he better eat what he wants before he starts throwing food off his tray!  Amazing what 1 year olds are capable of learning!

Empathy. As much brain power as it takes to come up with appropriate, acceptable, enforceable choices, I think having empathy for Q when he is doing something he knows he is not supposed to do after I've corrected him a million times is even more difficult.  However, I think empathy is probably the key to the whole love and logic system working.  As the authors explain, when people are punished, they seldom self-examine, resentment is more common.  But consequences (without anger) lead to self-evaluation. My job is to make the connection between Q's choice and the consequence (not punishment) made clear. "The thing that drives the lesson into our children's hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness."

When Q is hungry after his meal gets cut short because he was throwing food off his tray, I naturally want to say, "Well, that is what you get for being such a bad boy at the table." But then, he would just be angry and frustrated with me. If instead, I say, "I know you are hungry honey. I get hungry too when I miss a meal.  I'll make sure to make you a big snack after your nap," then the only person he has to be upset with is himself. Then he can think about how to avoid this uncomfortable situation for himself in the future rather than just stewing with anger toward me for being such a mean mom.

Personally, I have found that because giving choices makes me feel like I have more control, I naturally don't get as upset and angry with him when he chooses to continue behaving badly because I already have an enforceable, appropriate consequence prepared. I don't feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall continually asking him to do something that he continually refuses.

I look forward to all the practical tips the second half of the book promises!  I wanted to go ahead and share this with my mommy and daddy friends though in case you think the book might also be helpful to you. I highly recommend it!  There is much more wonderful insight in the book that I wasn't able to share in this blog post.  I would also love to hear if you have any parenting books that you've enjoyed that I might want to check out?